So this has been happening to me for the past couple of nights: I can't fall asleep for the life of me. I know exactly what it is too. I'm hella anxious about moving to another country for six months and the departure date is seventy-two hours away. But this isn't new for me. I can be super tired all day, dying to hit the pillow, but once I finally do I find out that I'm spooning with my good old friend anxiety. This means I probably won't be going to sleep for a couple of hours because I have to spend some quality time thinking about every horrible thing that could possibly happen to me the next day or that terrible confession I made to a boy in seventh grade over Facebook messenger.

Since I simultaneously have the same sense of humor as a ten year old boy and a forty-five year old divorcee, I figured my pals from Bikini Bottom would be well-equipped to help me illustrate a night in the life of Sara Lonsberry's sleepy yet anxious brain. Someone call Patchy the Pirate because we're going under...

1. I Set My Alarm, Snuggle Into Bed And Feel Great For Ten Seconds Before I Remember All The Things I Forgot To Do That Day

2. I Try To Think About Something Lovely, Like A Meadow Full Of Kittens Or A Debt-Free Education But Alas, None Of These Glorious Dreams Take Hold

3. I Check My Phone Every Five Minutes Because For Some Reason I Think That I'm Anticipating Some Sort Of Dreadful Text Like, "You're Mom Is Dead," Or "I Never Loved You" Or Some Wild Shit Like That

4. Unfortunately, I Recall The Really Embarrassing Episode I Had In The Grocery Store Self Check-Out Line The Other Day And I Have To Replay It In My Head At Least Five Times

5. I Start To Make Christmas Shopping Lists In My Mind Even Though It's July

6. I Spend Twenty Minutes Convincing Myself It's A Good Idea To Write A Love-Letter To Some Boy I Had A Crush On In Middle School Only To Realize How Incredibly Pathetic That Is

7. Then I'll Have To Scorn My Idiot Self And All The Dumb Crushes I've Ever Bothered To Have

8. I'm Right On Schedule For My Nightly Intellectual Debate With Myself About Why I'm So Lonely

9. Then Comes The Panic About How My Gay-Ass Is Never Going To Get A Job

10. I Spend A While Thinking About How The Hell I Even Got To This Point When I Was So Tired To Begin With

11. I Realize That It's Oddly Quiet, And That Makes Me Think About How There Could Be A Serial Killer In My Closet

12. Then I Have To Work Up The Courage To Go Investigate Every Square Inch Of My Home

13. I Debate Taking A Couple Of Sleeping Pills But Realize It's Probably Too Late For That

14. I Watch A Couple Of Episodes Of How To Get Away With Murder, Because For Some Reason I Think It's Going To Alleviate My Fear Of Serial Killers In My Closet

15. Now's About The Time That I Get Really Sad About Something Totally Out Of My Control

16. After I've Had A Good Cry, I'll Spend A Half Hour Trying To Crawl Out Of My Own Damn Skin

17. When I Finally Catch My Breath I'll Conveniently Remember A Handful Of Times I Gave Stupid Answers In Class And Subsequently I'll Question The Entirety Of My Academic Career And Future

18. I Try Some Deep Breathing Exercises But Fail Miserably Because My Brain Can't Heckin' Cooperate With Me

19. Then, I'll Make One Last-Ditch Effort To Slip Into Dreamland, Preferably With A Hot Professor And A Bottle Of Wine...

20. Lastly, I'll Wake Up Several Hours Later Wondering What The Heck Is Wrong With Me

DISCLAIMER: The odds I fell asleep into a dream with a hot professor and some moscato is highly unlikely. I probably dreamed about being stalked or my dog getting killed. Again, my brain hates me. That was a public service announcement. Aye aye, captain.