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A Night Out As Told By Amy Schumer

Laurel Tobias

Aug 04, 2015

North Carolina State University

1. You're getting ready with your girls. Every outfit you try on looks terrible and your previously cleaned room is now torn apart and covered in clothing.

2. You finally decide on something and make a big entrance into the pregame with your bottles, ready to rumble.

3. The night is young, and you are at the first bar. You try to convince the bouncer to let you in with your most flirtatious face, but he knows for a fact you are not 21 yet.

4. You give up on that bar and prance right on over to the next one to work your magic on the dance floor.

5. It's getting to that point of the night where you've had a few too many drinks, and for some reason everything just feels wrong about your life. Your friend tries to give you a pep talk but you cry anyway for no reason other than you feel like it.

6. So you try to down a couple more drinks... unsuccessfully.

7. The time comes to leave. You and your friends stumble out of the bar and obviously head back to find a place to satisfy your cravings for greasy, delicious food. You all sit down and wolf down your overpriced, 1000+ calorie drunk meals.

WHAT A SUCCESSFUL NIGHT!

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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A Night Out As Told By Amy Schumer

1. You're getting ready with your girls. Every outfit you try on looks terrible and your previously cleaned room is now torn apart and covered in clothing.

2. You finally decide on something and make a big entrance into the pregame with your bottles, ready to rumble.

3. The night is young, and you are at the first bar. You try to convince the bouncer to let you in with your most flirtatious face, but he knows for a fact you are not 21 yet.

4. You give up on that bar and prance right on over to the next one to work your magic on the dance floor.

5. It's getting to that point of the night where you've had a few too many drinks, and for some reason everything just feels wrong about your life. Your friend tries to give you a pep talk but you cry anyway for no reason other than you feel like it.

6. So you try to down a couple more drinks... unsuccessfully.

7. The time comes to leave. You and your friends stumble out of the bar and obviously head back to find a place to satisfy your cravings for greasy, delicious food. You all sit down and wolf down your overpriced, 1000+ calorie drunk meals.

WHAT A SUCCESSFUL NIGHT!

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For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever else invented copy and paste. Thank you."

1. I'm so tired. I need a nap. Maybe I can sleep with my eyes open in class? Or pretend I'm not napping?

2. We have a test today? Why didn't anyone tell me? Did I know this?!

3. Can I quit school yet? It's only October, and I need a vacation.

4. The struggle is so real.

5. I'm so broke. SOS.

6. Stressed? Eat everything you own in your pantry and stuff your face with all your feelings.

7. "Did we have anything due in class today? Homework? Quiz? Test?" "Not that I know of..."

8. I need food. Where is the closest place to get food? I need it stat.

9. This is the longest day of my life. I need a drink, or two, or three.

10. Sleep? What is sleep? What a foreign concept.

11. When someone suggests going and studying in the library, let alone studying in general.

12. When the cafeteria or student center is packed and you can't find a seat anywhere so you literally have to sit in an abandoned corner.

13. When you see someone you used to hook up with. They see you, and approach you; so you have to pretend like everything is normal.

14. When you get your exam and realize you didn't study as much as you should have.

15. When you crush it on an exam or paper that you totally bullshitted.

16. I need a grande, extra strong coffee to get me through today.

17. When the professor announces you have a project due the following week with no instruction on what it's on and how to do it.

18. Is it Friday yet? Where's the weekend when you need it most?

19. It's freezing in here. I feel like I'm sitting in an igloo. I should have brought a jacket or worn long pants.

20. Did I remember my book? Damn, I forgot the book, and of course I need it for that quiz in class.

21. I would pay a million dollars to not go to class today; or actually never again.

22. I need a hoverboard to ride to class. Maybe then I wouldn't be running 15 minutes late to class every day.

23. Oh she/he's cute! I wonder if they're single. Who are they texting? They're BF/GF? I wonder if they think I'm cute. Could they be a potential new bae?

24. Why is there never any parking? I pay thousands of dollars a year for one parking spot to be open.

25. When it feels like you've been in class for an hour and you look at your phone and it has only been five minutes (I'm crying on the inside).

26. When the professor asks if there are any more questions at the end of class and someone raises their hand.

27. When you get assigned the most incompetent group of people possible for a group project.

28. I need a comfort dog so I can avoid all life and school responsibilities.

"A Christmas Story" is the star on top of the tree.

Who isn't stressing out over finals right now?

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