Dear Nick,

I have one question for you... WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DUDE? You're screwing up this whole "Bachelor" thing majorly. You're sending great girls home, closing yourself off, and (most importantly) pissing my grandma off. MY GRANDMA, Nick. The lady is a saint and a loyal "Bachelor" fan and, to be honest, you're kind of spoiling her favorite show. But I'm not here to bash you; I'm here to help. I believe that there is still hope for you.

Here are 12 ways in which you're becoming a bit of a "Bachelor" trainwreck. Consider me pointing out your faults as friendly constructive criticism. These words of encouragement and tough love will hopefully help you to do better... or at least screw up less. Read them, let them sink in, and text me if you have any questions. *insert winky face*

1. You broke the "Bachelor" golden rule: Don't kiss and tell.

When you spontaneously and bitterly announced that you and ex-bachelorette Andi Dorfman "made love" prior to her asking you to leave the show, you became a "Bachelor villain." Not cool, man. This uncalled for moment could have been avoided so easily! But hey, it got you your own season of "The Bachelor", so I guess it worked out for you. If you want my advice, though, I would definitely not try this again. Your girls are feisty.

2. You're a 36-year-old who's "dating" a 25-year-old who still has a nanny.

Okay, I'm a firm believer in the fact that age is just a number but only to an extent AND when a person's maturity matches their age. Corinne doesn't even know what chores are or how to make something as simple as pasta. I personally think she's hysterical and I'm sure she's a lot of fun but unless you're cool with waiting on her hand and foot or allowing her to bring her nanny into your home, it's time to let her go.

3. You can't look people in the eyes.

The eyes are the window to the soul, Nick. The window TO THE SOUL. Do you realize how important that is? Girls like to be looked at as if they're the only ones on the planet... or at least looked at in general! It isn't even that hard. Your girls are beautiful! Just look them in their beautiful faces and make eye contact. I promise it won't kill you. Work on it.

4. This happened.

I don't even know what to say about this. Unacceptable. I feel like you need to be grounded for this or something. So childish. Never again.

5. You seem like you're more DTF than DTW (down to wife).

Why are you sending girls home as soon they tell you their feelings are getting serious? That's what you're there for— to get into the nitty gritty of relationships and to open up to people; to give people who want to love you the chance to and for all of that lovey-dovey stuff. This past week you sent home Danielle L. home even though she was perfect and you said it broke your heart to do. Why, Nick? WHY?

6. You mumble through serious conversations.

I'd never bash you for this one. We've been through seasons together, so I understand that you can be a bit awkward and that this is probably just your nervousness kicking in. But why are you nervous? You're 36-years-old and you're "The Bachelor"! The girls are all there for you. There is no need to be nervous! Speak your mind without hesitation.

7. You're clearly a crappy judge of character if you think Taylor didn't suck.

This girl was the WORST. If she wasn't telling someone how smart she is or how dumb they are, she was most likely rudely ignoring everyone in the room. I don't know how you didn't see it! Hopefully, watching the show back, you'll realize what a brat this girl was. But for now, just be on the lookout for more "Taylors" that may emerge. These girls are deceiving.

8. You took away my Monday night laughs from shark/dolphin girl.

This girl was basically the light of my life. Don't laugh, Nick. I'm serious. She brought me joy and brightened my otherwise-drab Mondays. It's not like I can look to you to fill that void. You haven't exactly been exuding those happy-go-lucky, sunshiney vibes. So I need her Nick. I understand that maybe you don't need her but I need her. Okay? Bring her back.

9. You always seem like you don't want to be there.

Speaking of your lack of sunshiney vibes, what's the deal with your 'blah' attitude? You're on a once in a lifetime (or three times in a lifetime, depending on how you look at it) adventure. You're surrounded by beautiful girls in a beautiful place. Throw the audience, or at least one of your girls other than Rachel, a smile for once. I'm not asking you to be fake but, jeez man, quit being so bleak.

10. You may not want to be there, considering it looks like you left your own show.

I'm still not exactly clear on what happened but the girls seemed to think you abandoned them in this past week's episode. Did you really leave? It looks like you decided that you just didn't want to be there anymore... on your own show... that is supposed to lead you to your future wife... that three dozen girls stopped their lives to be part of.

11. You're not Chris Harrison.

I'm sorry but you just can't compete with him. Don't take it personally. No one can. What fan of the show hasn't wished at least once or twice for Chris Harrison's time to shine? He's the total package! He's cute, funny, sweet, and loyal. He hasn't left us after all these years. When is "The Bachelor" going to let us see our favorite host find love?

12. You're still pretty attractive somehow.

Maybe it's the bod (it's probably just the bod) but, what can I say, I keep coming back to you week after week. I'm somehow not sick of you after all of your nonsense. I really do think you're a great guy even though you're most definitely the worst "Bachelor". Because of this and without further ado, I'd like to make you an offer. If you fail to find love again this season and somehow manage to learn all of these important lessons, I'll accept your rose. Are you down?

Patiently awaiting your response,

A loyal Bachelor fan