Why nice guys (shouldn’t) finish last…
I get it. Men can be awful people. We are constantly in the news for the multiple cases of sexual assault, drunken behavior, and depicted as pigs whose only goal is to get in the pants of as many women as possible. Understandable, as statistics consistently quote as 1 in 4 women in college will be sexually assaulted. Okay, slight hyperbole qualitatively, but mostly correct. Believe it or not, there are actually NICE, decent men out in this savage and unruly world filled with lust and gluttony. Allow me to help you see this.
It can be difficult being a “nice” guy. We are often taught (at an early age) to treat women with the utmost respect. Including, but not limited to: holding the doors open, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, paying the bill, etc… In order to stand out from the rest of our peers, we hold ourselves to higher standards and try to make ourselves look humble, and yet favorable.
Often times, this goes under-appreciated, and this slightly more reserved trait will go un-noticed when compared in a sample size of twenty other men. Thanks to the age of ultra-feminism and being a “strong independent woman”, this is often looked down upon, with personal experience backing me up here in the multiple female friendships I have had experience with.
I have a slightly feminine personality. You can notice this especially in my communication traits, but also the way I dress and conduct myself (i.e. dress somewhat conservative, no tank tops, v-necks, etc…).I KNOW this for a fact, and often times I get mistaken for as gay (not a bad thing AT ALL; just not me), and girls often will be too embarrassed to ask about my dating life and try to hint around it. Because I have feminine traits, I am VERY careful about how I come across to women, often hiding all signs of romantic interests, so that I’m not just a “f*ckboy” or “player” – completely antithetical to who I am.
We try hard to make you feel comfortable, and we respect the boundaries. If we are on “friends” terms and you say you aren’t ready to date, generally we respect that. A few months ago, I was having coffee with a female friend I have known for seven years, who, earlier this year said she was not ready to date in this time of her life.
Now, I have been told by two people who know us well, that we would be perfect for each other, but out of respect, waited until she was “ready” before I asked her out on an official date. Turns out, she has a date with someone from school to “get to know each other better,” complete with Japanese dinner and line dancing.
The question was answered before it was even verbally asked. To put this situation all in perspective, this girl rarely ever lets me buy her anything or drive her places (the motive being these actions were out of chivalry, and nothing more). At this stage, I finished “last,” losing out on an opportunity by respecting my friend’s need for no relationship.
Sound familiar? I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this, but rarely is it talked about openly in the guys’ group chat – often filled with talk of the sex with the chick from the party he just nailed last night. Know that if you’re a “nice guy,” this situation may happen more than once, but do not be discouraged. IT HAPPENS.
Sometimes, we don’t know if it is right for us to make the first move or the woman. Are we too nice that we automatically want the woman to express to us her willingness to date? On the same token, it is important that all men realize a woman does NOT have an obligation to give you attention, but neither does the neighbor next door.
No matter the individual, everyone has the right to not participate in the communication transactional method (Comm majors should know this term) where communication is reciprocated after the receiver decodes the sender’s message. It would be nice if everyone regardless of gender, wanted to talk to you when you started a channel of communication, but life has it otherwise, social awkwardness abounding.
Bottom line: focus on yourself, follow through on your goals, whether it is your career, grad school, new country you just moved to, or a new apartment down the street. Chances are, you will be much happier finding someone who ends up having those same goals, passions, and values that you hold near and dear to your heart.
Chin up, pal – I’m here rooting for you.
