Welcome to Minnesota! For whatever reason, you’ve moved here from somewhere else, like I did two years ago. The Midwest may look similar to other parts of the United States, but be warned: there’s more to the place than meets the eye. “Minnesota Nice” is a complex term, covering politeness, passive aggression, and genuine kindness. To help other transplants avoid any nasty surprises, I’ve compiled a few things I’ve learned since moving, a field guide, if you will. While you enjoy the scenery (wide blue skies, St. Paul and Minneapolis’s amazing skylines, and lots of corn), peruse this guide to Minnesotan communication.
Some of what follows is straightforward translation, but there are nuances that must be considered when interacting with Minnesotans. If you grew up anywhere other than the Midwest, understand that there’s a whole level of communication that you were previously unaware existed. This is where Minnesotans exchange most of their information. If you are oblivious to this wavelength, you will miss social cues. You will also possibly give off signals that you are unaware of. In this way, you may offend any Minnesotan who interprets your sigh of boredom as a sign that you hate everything about their company or your preoccupied goodbye as a grievous slight.
Minnesotans are subtle. An “Oh?” can have ten different interpretations, and most of them are insulting. Minnesotans also apologize a lot, but it’s hard to tell when the apologies are sincere and when they’re gently suggesting you should apologize. My rule of thumb is that an odd number of sorries (three or five, for instance) is insincere, while an even number is sincere. This method is not foolproof.
Once you adjust to this new mode of communication, your interactions with your new Minnesotan friends should go smoothly—unless you express the opinion that Wisconsin is anywhere near as good a state. Then there’s no hope for you.
There are some simple definitional differences between Minnesota and the rest of the world. For some reason, they call casserole “hot dish.” Minnesotans take their hot dish very seriously, so whatever you call it, never insult any that you have been given.
Instead of “Duck, Duck, Goose,” Minnesotans play “Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.” While they will defend this as the “right” version until the end of time, I’m unable to come up with any explanation for why they exclude geese from their playground games.
“Interesting” has a lot of meanings. It can be a straightforward “intriguing,” but it can also be a thinly veiled insult “Yeah, she looked…interesting…last night.” Usually a pause before the word connotes negativity. The longer the pause, the worse the meaning. Anything more than five seconds could start a fight.
Except Midwesterners don’t fight. Midwesterners are entirely too civilized. Instead, they will show their displeasure in small ways. For instance, offending items may be tidied away somewhere (like your bed) or you might hear from someone—someone you’d never think could be connected to you—how upset your friend/roommate/significant other is with you. You might also find that you’ve been reported to authority figures for something you didn’t do or something you vaguely remember doing and being told “It’s okay, do whatever you want.” Never allow any Minnesotan you live with to have access to a whiteboard. You will never get a spoken confrontation again, and you will receive an average of three passive-aggressive whiteboard notes per day.
Minnesotans do not fight, because they’ve won from the beginning. The entire population of the great state of Minnesota has a death grip on the moral high ground, and you had better give up any hope of wresting it from them.
If you’re scared after reading this, good. Coming into Minnesota with blissful ignorance is a recipe for trouble. However, don’t be too scared. The woodchipper related disaster in Fargo is purely fictional, and as long as you apologize enough, you’ll fit in fine.
Or you won’t. But no one will tell you.
