Ahhhh, it's another new year. Another round of "I haven't done this since last year" jokes. Another sprawl of "I am so grateful for these memories" Facebook statuses. Most importantly, another list of New Year's Resolutions that we probably aren't going to keep.
Let's be realistic: the summary of life is the constant struggle to change and better ourselves, but still fall back into our old habits. I could come up with a philosophical reason for why we do this, but I'll just go with the simple solution that we're lazy.
So, in honor of that, here are 10 new year's resolutions that you're probably going to attempt to do, and what will prevent you from doing them.
1. Resolution: Eat healthier
This is the year you're finally going to change your diet. Less sugar, more vegetables, no more late-night eating.
What's going to happen: Food.
You're going to feel sexual attraction to that piece of cake across the room. Yes, it is possible to feel sexually attracted to cake. And you will give into temptation and never go back.
2. Resolution: Work out more
You are going to hit the grind every morning. You're going to do cardio, abs, weights; you're going to becoming the spitting image of the cover of Fitness magazine.
What's going to happen: The realization that working out is not a pleasant experience.
You will suddenly realize that getting up in the morning is harder than you think it is, and that your bed is much warmer than you give it credit for. Also, working out is just a painful experience.
3. Resolution: Procrastinate less
You're going to actually get your work done on time. You're going to not have to have all-nighters anymore, because you're going to do your work as soon as you get it.
What's going to happen: You're going to realize you have Netflix
You will also realize that the Internet is a wonderful place to avoid the work you have to do.
4. Resolution: You're going to get organized
You're going to finally put that planner of yours to use.
What's going to happen: Planners are stupid.
It's just another reminder of how much work you have and how you have no time to complete it.
5. Resolution: You're going to get your dream body.
You're going to finally develop abs, and look bootylicious.
What's going to happen: Return to number 1 and 2
Working out sucks and carbohydrates are too delicious.
6. Resolution: You're going to get into a relationship
You will get rid of your cynical ways and open your eyes to the beauty that is love.
What is going to happen: Relationship are too much effort.
Pleasing your partner is too expensive. Plus, you're desperate, but not desperate enough.
7. Resolution: You're going to spend more time with your friends and family.
You were too busy last year, but you know in the end, you're going to regret not enjoying their company more.
What's going to happen: Being around people is too much effort.
Even hanging out with people you love is too much energy.
8. Resolution: You're going to keep up with politics.
You're going to finally be able to keep up with your friend's political conversations
What's going to happen: Nothing makes sense.
Just realize that voting for Trump is a bad idea and move on.
9. Resolution: You're going to learn something new.
You're going to learn something that you always wanted to do! You'll learn a new language, take up the trumpet, knit a scarf!
What's going to happen: You don't have time for this.
At this point, knitting or learning a new instrument is not going to benefit you.
10. Resolution: You're going to be more positive.
After a whole year of being completely negative and cynical, you are going to be in a whole new mindset. Optimism is key.
What's going to happen: Life.
The world is a difficult place. And you're not pessimistic, you're realistic.
