We all have New Year's Resolutions that we never fulfill. Most people go for weight loss, because it seems like obese America feels this is the ultimate goal, instead of, you know, ending world hunger. I am reluctantly openly guilty about making these stupid goals that will never become reality. Here is my list.

Learning to ride a bike.

I’m going to be that 30-year-old trying to balance myself on two wheels. Awesome.

Eating healthy.

This is hard, because chocolate tastes good and spinach does not.

Not starting journals and only writing on one page.

Because I like to support the killing of trees for no good reason.

Going skinny dipping.

The thought of something foreign touching my no-no square is enough to keep this one unfulfilled.

Toning up.

If I didn’t do resolution number two, why would I do this one? I just mess up my list.

Writing a book.

Can I write this at the last minute like I do my papers?

Getting a long-term boyfriend.

All of my significant others like to move to different states. That means I’m cute, right?

Letting my hair grow to my butt.

Just kidding, I'm talking about the hair on my head. I’d rather fry my hair and cut it, apparently.

Visiting another country.

But I’d rather spend my money on expensive college and fancy coffee.

Saving money.

I already spent the penny I found on the ground 10 minutes ago.

That year I didn't make one because I'm so edgy...

Ha ha. Look at you now.

Learning how to roller skate.

I can’t even walk, people.

Going to a concert.

I’m pretty much the only person that hasn’t been to one. I honestly don’t even know why this is still on the list. I’m just lazy.

Starting to drive again.

Because when you make your car catch on fire, everyone is reluctant to hand over the keys. My family is going to kill me for joking about this.

Becoming Tumblr famous.

I’m almost there with my three-note post!