You’re in a crowded room, a droplet of sweat begins to trickle down your cheek, and the claustrophobia begins to hit you. The sound of a collective of voices chanting nonsensical arithmetic is all you can hear. And a lightheadedness falls over you as you stand amongst countless people, not understanding exactly what is happening.
It’s New Year's Eve. The ball is about to drop. And you are very drunk.
Once the countdown hits zero and the confetti is thrown, you realize that you are surrounded by couples sharing their New Year’s Kiss. Fortunately, your intoxicated self knows not of shame and begins the search for another lonely soul standing awkwardly in the crowd.
The war of the sad single people commences and the competition is fierce. Your cousin, Annie, long-time veteran of the Single Person’s Race for a New Year’s Kiss™ seems to have snagged the most eligible of bachelors. You turn away from their saliva-swapping single selves and resume the search elsewhere.
Drink still in hand—nearly empty—the only thing keeping you up is the crowd of people pressed up against you, supporting your weak, drunken body. You somehow spot a cute guy walking past you.
Now or never. You will your body to quit slouching, and you propel yourself onto cute guy. You spill what was left of your drink on him and are able to steal a sloppy kiss before he stormed off, angry that you ruined his new tie. In reality, you pretty much just licked his face, but to you, saturated in various liquors, it was magical, possibly the “start of something new” (that is if you remembered what the Troy to your Gabriella even looked like, which you did not).
Mission accomplished. Ended the year off on a great note. You feel great, you have a new boyfriend, and you’re surrounded by friends and family. Life is good.
January 1st rolls around. The hangover is real. The stories of your failed conquest with cute guy has the entire family laughing. The embarrassment and shame begins to settle in.
At this point, when you feel absolutely terrible about yourself, it is time for New Year’s Resolutions.
Resolution Number 1: Stop excessive drinking. No more hard liquor. A glass of wine from time to time is acceptable, classy even.
Resolution Number 2: Stop kissing strangers. Establish a third date rule for kissing to show the world that you respect yourself and suitors must earn the right to a face lick from you.
Resolution Number 3: Use the buddy system. In the case where you have neglected to follow resolution 1 and 2, have a friend by your side that will A) remind you of your promises and prevent you from breaking them, or B) do worse, more embarrassing things than you and will take some of the attention away from your own mistakes.
I urge you all to keep this in mind as the new year approaches.
Wishing you all a successful and fulfilling New Year's Eve.
