It's no lie that 2016 has been a rough year. Between the presidential election, about 300 celebrity deaths, and personal things- this year is certainly one that won't be forgotten (and not in a good way). As the year comes to a close, sure I could go on and reminisce about the good things that happened, but I'd rather move on and focus on bettering myself and preparing myself for the year to come. Though I've never been one to stick to New Years Resolutions, maybe this next year will be the one that changes that.
I think the biggest thing I want to work on is to stop comparing myself to other people. No matter what I constantly find myself comparing myself to anyone and everyone. Not even just physically, but being in the theater world I compare my skills to other people's and I shouldn't do that. Other people's successes are not my failures and that's something I need to learn how to accept. I should be allowed to be upset with myself for not trying hard enough sometimes, but I certainly shouldn't beat myself up for doing my best and not getting the outcome I was anticipating. I could only control my future to a certain extent- and this year, though I'll do as much as I can, I have to just let things work out and not blame it all on me.
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Another thing I want to start doing is to stop calling myself 'trash' or 'garbage' on the daily. I don't know how this trend started, but the amount of times I hear the word trash thrown around in a way that isn't at all connected to actual garbage is almost sickening. Maybe I feel like trash all the time is because I treat myself like it by degrading myself. I shouldn't do that anymore. If I want to feel better, I have to treat myself better in every aspect that I can control.
In 2017 I need to learn how to chill out. I know it seems kind of dumb, but it's true. I am a person with so much unnecessary anxiety that I don't want or need. I worry and fear that my friends are mad at me when they take more than 10 minutes to open my snapchats. I know that's just my pent up insecurity speaking, but that's why I need to just chill out. I think the first step to chilling out is to put my fucking phone down for once. I might as well only have one hand because the other one consistently has my phone in it. It's a disgusting habit that I need to break. I don't need to check Instagram or twitter every 3 seconds, I don't need to reply to snapchats the minute I get them- everything will still be there later. I need to chill. I need to chill.
And finally, I need to be. To live. I feel like this whole year I was half of the person I'm capable of being. I was lazy and I knew it, but I had no motivation to be anything but lazy. I need to push myself to be the best version of myself that I can be. I need to put the phone down and make memories with my eyes. I need to pick up my pen and write more. I need to make more art. I need to see more of the world. This year I want to eat something and not feel bad about it. This year I want to breathe for once. This year I want to wake up at 7:30 am and not want to go back to sleep. I want to love. I want to learn. I want to yearn. I want to feel stable. I want to go out and not feel like the ugly friend. I want to be proud of myself. I will be proud of myself. I'm promising myself that now. I will be proud of myself.
These improvements won't be made by tomorrow. Some of them are life goals that I will probably just take baby steps towards. However, the important part is that I'm making that effort, and that's all that counts.
I'll be a better Rikki tomorrow, and an even better one the next day. I'll make this my year. This sadness will be worth it.
