"The past isn't real. It's just a story we keep telling ourselves, but it doesn't exist" I read. And then read for second time. It was a hard pill to swallow, understanding that these memories are just a figment of my imagination at this point. Was I even remembering them how they actually happened? Was I beginning to create fake memories to fill a void? The past isn't the present, therefore it isn't here anymore. It's kind of a game, trying to wrap your mind around it. There are so many memories I wish I could never think about again. Some just too painful to relive. And some, I wish I could record on a DVD and replay over and over again.
2019 was one of those years. The years where you'd almost want to forget a majority of the memories that happened. This year was more about strength when I felt like I had nothing left in me. As I began to write this, I thought about previous years. And what my struggles were then. The truth is, every year has it's ups and downs. Every year has brought something painful and something happy. Because, well that's life. The highs and lows are how we live. If we never felt sadness, we wouldn't be able to feel the joy. If we didn't feel the aches and growing pains, we wouldn't know how to show gratitude for the good things that come our way.
I realized that while 2019 was filled of lessons, but it was also filled with blessings. In a short 12 month time span, plenty can happen. But how we deal with it all, comes down to our perspective. I've had some days where I had wished I could go back to this exact day a year ago. Where I was so much "happier". I allow my mind to play a joke on me, as I ponder those memories of a year ago from this day. I see the Snapchat and Facebook memories, and stare at the photos. Photos with people whom are no longer in my life. Some whom are no longer living. I stare and wonder how different life would be if it was December 2018 again. But then I really look. I look at those photos, and that girl I was then. And then I see who I am now. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I instantly stop the memory reel from playing in my mind. The movie stops. I snap back into reality. That's my past, no longer my reality. And that's okay. In fact, it's better then okay. It's life. It's what I want. It's what we should all strive for. How blessed am I to be able to look back on photos and videos and let them take me on a momentary journey. How lucky am I to have something to miss? And how truly grateful am I now that I was able to make it through another year of highs and lows. Another year, where I can reflect on the person I grew into even further. What I came to understand was that I didn't want to look back, because I wasn't going in that direction. It was fun for a quick visit, but my life isn't heading that way. 2019 has taught me how to stand tall, to stand proud and hold my head up high, even when it feels like there's an earthquake under my feet. With each day, week, month, and year we learn. We learn who we are, who we are meant to become and how to live this beautiful chaotic life on our own terms.
As you go through your highlight reel of 2019, and plan out your goals for 2020, be gentle. Be kind. This year gave you everything you needed, to catapult you into this new fresh one. There is something magical, about the clock striking midnight on December 31st. While you scream Happy New Year, it's like the old year's chapter is instantly closed. A new fresh page, looking up at you, titled 2020. What will you do this year? Who will you be? The questions are endless, but so are your possibilities.
