I’ve been outwardly bullied a few times, but nothing extreme. It didn’t ruin my life. I’ve had people turn around during a football game; after I cheered and turned to my friend to discuss the play, they made direct eye contact with their heartless gaze, and said, “Rachel, nobody cares. Stop talking.” This person literally turned around, in a crowded Texas high school football stadium, and went out of her way to say this to me. This is how bullying is defined, but I’m here to tell you about something that I believe is much worse. There is such a thing as bullying without saying anything, and quite frankly, it is the worst kind: a simple disregard for you as a human being.

It’s not discussed in classes, or health, or movies, but I believe it to be the new kind of bullying. I’m talking about making direct eye contact with someone and releasing your thoughts through words, only to notice that the group quickly changed the subject, and no one heard what you said. The circle you’re a part of slowly closes around you, too casual for you to do anything but realize that no one wants to acknowledge your existence. These bullies don’t even want to take the time out of their day to torment you. They don’t like you and don’t even care to know you. The bullies I have faced pretend you aren’t there, that you don’t exist because, in their mind, you don’t.

After receiving this treatment for years, any effort that someone made to talk to me was exciting; I didn’t care if they told me I was annoying or weird; I didn’t care if they stole my homework and hid it from me. Sick and tired of being ignored and feeling unwanted, I was happy that someone would go out of their way to talk to me, even if it wasn’t because they cared about me as a person. Happy to finally be recognized, I welcomed bullying with open arms.

There is a reason solitary confinement is a punishment in prison. Isolation and alienation are torturous, and that’s what my peers were doing to me—placing me in solitary confinement. After that, I had been ignored to the point that bullying didn’t seem so bad; It actually seemed like the better option.

No one deserves to live their life like their invisible, not worthy of being made fun of in the first place. Would you rather be ignored or tormented? It’s a tough question to answer, but at that Texas football game, I wasn’t upset because I felt heard. I felt like I existed.