The world is a scary place. It’s big and dangerous, and home to some of the scariest things in the universe. These things take what they want with no regard for life on earth, make you cry, and laugh at you because you look funny. These things can be everywhere, or nowhere--it completely depends on you, the human leaving their house. These things are your friends.

Friends are terrible; they request your time, eat your food, and aren’t as funny as they think they are. It’s even worse when you run into someone that’s only kind of your friend. The moment they lay eyes on you, they immediately start dissecting you.

Have you changed since the last time they saw you?

Are you fatter?

Zittier?

Is your laugh different?

Did you get dumped?

Why are you wearing that shirt?

Do you have something between your teeth?

Why’d you say that?

That wasn’t funny.

Don’t laugh it makes you look ugly.

Only you could wear that shirt.

Your shoes are great.

It must have taken a lot of strength to dye your hair that color.

You look nervous, are you nervous?

Why are you nervous?

It was so great to see you. Not that your good friends are much better.

You guys already know you’re friends, you don’t have to announce it to the world.

But what’s appropriate? A handshake? Too formal. A fist bump? Are you 12? A nod?

Do you want them to kill you while you sleep?

I recommend ignoring them, if they’re your real friends they’ll ignore you too.

There’s nothing worse than an unwanted social interaction. Which is what brings me to the title of this article. Never leave your house or apartment or flat or dorm or car or tent. Don’t do it. You might run into people you know, but even worse? You might not.

Or you might get hit by a car, or struck by lightning, or choke on a sandwich, or get eaten by fire ants, or suffocate petting a dog, or bleed to death cutting an avocado. So don’t do it, never leave. The outside world is not worth it.