I thought maybe - just maybe - if I wrote this all down, I would feel better. It's been 5 months since we broke up. It wasn't Earth shattering. My life didn't stop because of it… it's just the hardest adjustment I have ever had to make. See, add a year to each of those months and that gives an adequate time frame of how much of my personal time and energy was given to this human.
I want to believe that this was not all in vain, and that those first 2 years were really good so it was worth it… until they started lying, until they started cheating, until they stopped giving a shit about me - but that's too optimistic of me and the situation.
Why would they stay? Why stay with someone they clearly don't care about? Why would anyone want to make someone deliberately go through this? Isn't growing up traumatic enough?
It's been 5 months… and it still feels like yesterday. It's been 5 months, but every time there's reminiscing or conversation about anything - they're at the forefront of my mind.
Like most teens - I struggled with self-worth. It took my first love dying for me to even verbalize that I didn't feel worthy of being loved. It's been more than a decade since I've felt like that.
Every day I get closer to 30, and believe me - I'm not trying to run off into the sunset with anyone, I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Or maybe I just don't want to deal with this anymore.
So here's to letting go - or at least another part of its grief.
5 months
Feels like 5 tons
Packed tightly against
Shoulder blades.
Barbed wire wrapping
Itself neatly against my breast.
I am ok.
Tight-roping through
Every episode
Of desperation
And despair.
Feeling not
Enough.
Worthless.
As if
Endless tossing
Wasn't adequate.
As if
Empty bed sheets
Wasn't sufficient.
As if
I…
Wasn't ample enough.
Still unsure
How it ended up
Here.
Another blood
Stained tear
Pooling at my feet.
5 months
Feels like too long
To so easily
Forget
5 years…
Wasted.
Lilies dance
In memories
In laughter
In brief bursts of
Happiness.
We were happy,
I think.
It's so hard
To distinguish
Between happiness
And the lies.
The cheating
Scraping
Daggers
Along already
Torn heart pieces.
I am damaged.
Perhaps now a little bitter
And annoyed.
Bias
To say the least.
Speak
And my heart
Assumes bullshit.
Come closer
And I've already leaped
Bounds away.
I can't fathom
How to let anyone in –
Tattered sheets.
No longer is my skin
Laundered.
No matter what,
I am not the same.
What has been
And what will always be
Still somehow
Remains at eye-level.
