When you spend over four years of your life with someone, it is a little difficult to remove them. Not remove in the sense where you are broken up, but you are not a part of that person's life at all anymore. It is hard to remove them from your memory, thoughts and dreams. You can't just wake up one day and say, "I am finally going to be over my ex!" Life doesn't work that way. And here's my story:
As you've probably gathered from the first line, we dated for four years and were friends for a couple months before that. He was the best thing to ever happen to me. He taught me what it was like to love someone so hard and unconditionally that all you ever wanted was to spend more time with that person. He taught me that loving someone meant having to sacrifice some things. Some of those would be worth it, others not so much.
He showed me an idea that I never have dreamed about: marriage. Not only marriage, but kids, also. I never in my life have ever wanted either of those things, but it all changed because I fell in love with this incredible man. We would watch Twilight: Breaking Dawn with the wedding scene. He would turn to me, smile his crooked smile and kiss my forehead and say, "That's how our wedding is going to look. I can't wait." He would always tell me that he knows that my father never liked him, but he was more than ready to take him out for a beer and ask for my hand when I was done with college.
He knew what would make me laugh and angry, and sometimes say things just to inflict either emotion. He was the funniest guy I knew, his humor matched mine. His love for comic books and video games made me chuckle with embarrassment, but I fell in love with watching gamers on YouTube with him.
There wasn't a food he didn't like, but his favorite was fried chicken. Before my junior prom, his senior, we had dinner at Churches Chicken because that was just us. It was us.
He would wake me up in the middle of the night just so he could go make popcorn or he wanted to watch Finding Nemo.
He would call my mom "Mom" and that's what his mom was to me.
We loved each other so much. It's hard to see bad times when this is all I can think about. Though I know it would never work out after years of trying, I have to let him go.
I see him sometimes on Facebook and thank God I am 2,500 miles away. Because there are those times where I want to throw myself on a plane and go knock on his front door. I want to leap into his arms and tell him that he's the one, he's always been the one. Then he would kiss me and we would live happily ever after.
But, then I wake up from my dreams and realize that isn't going to happen.
Because of all these built up thoughts, it has come to my realization that I am not, at all, over my ex-boyfriend. And because of this brokenness inside of me, I have hurt a couple of incredible and great guys. They would do anything for me, my command would be their top priority. But, I never allowed myself to feel anything for them. Why? Because I'm not ready to be with someone that isn't him.
Also, if any of you are reading this, I am so sorry. You're wonderful human beings and deserve someone that is deserving of that. I'm sorry, but I'm not her.
My heart still is heavy with the loss of him as my other half. It's been nearly a year and being at opposite ends of the country to understand this feeling. I don't know who I would be without him. But, I also don't know who I would be if I were still with him.
That's for me to let go of and let the past, be the past.
