First, I'd like to say that everyone struggles with life differently. I don't tell many people this but I struggle with Bipolar Disorder. Over the last week I suffered from a very bad hypo-manic episode and once it passed it made me think about the word "normal."

Most people want to say there is no such thing as being normal but I disagree. I just think that everyone perceives being "normal" differently. For one person being normal would be having a happy home life. For another it would be being able to sit in front of a cake without eating the whole thing. For me, it's to live a life without pills, mood swings and having to be in control all the time. My hypo-manic episodes are times when I lose control, and that's when I really yearn to be normal.

There is a differences between normalcy and normal. Normalcy is what I go through regularly. I take pills twice a day, I go to therapy twice a week, I see my psychiatrist once a month and I have a mood swing once every few days that causes pain to myself as well as those around me. Yet, to me, being normal would be living without those things. It would be being able to go out at night with my husband and have a drink without worrying that it will affect my medication, and I'll get violently ill from the alcohol's affect on my meds. It would be being able to talk to my friends about my problems rather than a therapist twice a week, being able to trust those people easily with my problems rather than feeling insecure about expressing my views on the world to my friends. It would be not calling my mother crying "why me," when I am having a depressive episode. It would be not worrying constantly that in the future, when I get pregnant, I will have to see a special doctor because I may need to be on medication at the same time. To me, being normal is not having to worry about all the bad that my depressive and manic episodes have on those around me, those I love.

I don't see a problem with wanting to be normal. I do see a problem with everyone thinking there is only one type of normal. Normal can be seen as a statistic, but it can also be seen subjectively as a way a person perceives the world and what they want to be. It's like, in the play "The Addam's Family" when they ask for you to define "normal." To me, normal is different than what it is to you, and I hate when people tell me to just accept myself for who I am. I hate when my husband says he understands my mood swings and cannot blame me for having one because of my disorder. To me, yearning to be normal is wanting to better myself. I want to better myself for those I love and care about. I want to be normal for them. I don't want my mother to ask me when I disagree with her if I'm sure I took my meds that morning.

Although I have it different than most people. Even though I am not the "normal" I yearn to be, I have an amazing support system that helps me through my problems. Sometimes I wish I didn't need to have them, but I am glad I do. I have parents and a husband who loves me for who I am. They understand that I can't always help my mood swings. I have friends who know that I'm not going to share everything with them, but they are still there for me when I need them to be. I have people in my life that gives me a normalcy, even when I yearn for my form of normal. I am very fortunate for those people. It makes not being normal a little less painful, and helps me accept the normalcy of my life.

What makes me sad though is that not everyone has a great support system like mine. Just one person who accepts you for your flaws even when you're not what you think is normal makes you lucky. I hope one day everyone will have at least that one person, because it makes not being normal a little less painful and the need to be normal less important.