Last April, I was diagnosed with three forms of anxiety; General, Panic, and Separation. I always knew I had some form of anxiety in me based off symptoms I read about online and my family has a history of anxiety. I grew up with a lot of separation anxiety and not wanting to be away from home. That still is partially with me today. Around middle school is when my general anxiety and panic disorder started to make itself known. It continued to get worse as the years progress.
I had no desire to get tested in the slightest. For years, I told myself I don't need to see a doctor about it. I didn't want to face or accept it as my reality. I heard a sermon at my church last April on anxiety. As I sat in service, I just asked the Lord directly, "So what am I suppose to do with this?". I felt a tug from the Lord just to start a conversation with someone at church that morning. So I built up the courage and went to someone who didn't know much about me. I shared what I was feeling during the service and what I experience on a daily basis. They encouraged me to see a doctor and hearing that come from someone else made it feel more real in a good way. I told a few people who know me the most and have walked with me through many seasons of life. As always, they walked with me and encouraged me through this one as well. The next day I had an appointment, got diagnosed with three forms of anxiety and depression.
That same day I started an antidepressant that was more focused on the anxiety than the depression. I took it for thirty days and it made my anxiety worse. I still wasn't sleeping, I felt so much more uneasy during my day, I had double the amount of panic attacks I was having, the physical side effects weren't bad but I lost all motivation to do anything. I put on a face and walked through my normal schedule hoping no one would see I wasn't doing well. I found it hard to find joy in the things I always loved doing. After the thirty days, I went off and felt like I was back at square one. I was way too anxious to try another form of medication and just tried to fix it on my own. Spoiler alert: that didn't work out so well. It got worse but I didn't want to show that so I hid it. I didn't want to put it on anyone else or burden anyone with my trials, which now I see why it kept getting worse. When I was ready to give up on fixing myself, God was only getting started with me.
One night, I was having yet another panic attack, which started to feel normal. I was having a hard time breathing because I was sobbing and losing all control over my body. I laid in my bed and literally cried out to the Lord, "I need you more than ever right now." When I said that, I felt my breathing rapidly calm down and I was able to pull myself together again. The Lord showed up and brought me so much peace, I was frozen in awe that He showed up in what felt like a miraculous way. I sat there and just started talking to Him and asking Him where we go from here. I finally stopped taking control over my own life and letting Him walk with me through it. He was waiting for me to finally let Him into it all. A couple weeks later, I went to counseling and began walking through the process of identifying what was bringing me anxiety and how to help calm it without medication.
After I fully let the Lord into my anxiety, I started to let other people in as well. The Lord took the shame and embarrassment of the anxiety that I put onto myself and turned it into a part of my life that I can not only learn and grow in but help others walk through as well. I let people into this part of me and it helped build trust in a lot of my relationships. As I had more conversations about it, I started to not let my anxiety define me anymore as a story of defeat, but as one of constant perseverance and trust in the Lord daily that He will walk with me another day. I have built so many amazing friendships with people that will last a lifetime because of the courage the Lord gave me to share more.
Anxiety is still apart of my every day life, and that isn't looking to change in the near future, especially while being in a pandemic. I still have sleepless nights and will occasionally still get panic attacks. The difference is that now, I see them when they start to come up and with the help from God, I can name why I feel anxious and feel it in a healthy way so I can move on from it. I use to avoid those anxious feelings and push them down until they would all resurface in a defeating panic attack. The Lord has shown up through it all, in the good and bad moments, and still walks with me and sees me through every anxious moment and thought. I don't live in constant fear of my anxiety anymore, I don't let the word "anxiety" define who I am anymore, and I have let God come in to reaffirm who He made me to be.
