I started writing because I was scared of it. I’m scared of sharing my ideas and opinions in a public space. This article almost didn’t exist because I was so worried about expressing my feelings about this until one of my friends randomly send me this quote:

“When you show yourself to the world and display your talents, you naturally stir all kinds of resentment, envy, and other manifestations of insecurity… you cannot spend your life worrying about the petty feelings of others.” -Robert Greene

I’m not apply this to my fear of sharing my writing, it actually relates more to a bigger issue I’ve been struggling with over the past year. Do you remember in the first grade when you could start your writing with a question or a quote? Well, we’re past the beginning of the first paragraph, but I do have a question to pose: have you ever had a friend turn out not to be one at all? Someone revealing their true colors and becoming so transparent that you start to question how you even connected with that person in the first place?

Realizing who your true friends are is a curse and blessing in itself. It’s easy to find comfort in the people you can count on, but how do you move on after seeing someone for who they truly are? Isn’t there some sort of BuzzFeed quiz that’ll give me the answer to this?

I know how easy it is to start to dislike someone because I think that we dislike the things we possess in other people. I can’t stand negativity, narcissism, competition, etc., the list can go on for years. The other day at work I was telling a friend how I always think about what the three words that come to mind whenever someone else thinks of me. Obviously I want those words to be positive adjectives about my character, my actions, and my ethics. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have this irrational fear that someday I’ll meet someone that thinks I’m a negative narcissistic, overly-competitive person.

So it’s easier for me to project these fears I have and identify them in the people around me. As long as I’m not as competitive or even if I’m less narcissistic than someone else I know, does that really make me a good person? Just because I meet the minimum, does that mean I’ve made it? It’s over? I can stop trying now, right?

Not quite.

I’m scared of those things, but I’m more scared of how I let those things I see in other people eat at me. I can’t stand working with other people that share those flaws because it forces me to reflect on how I’m doing as a human. I’m typically not doing as well as I’d like to in those areas.

I don’t like seeing people in my life turn out not to be friends and instead turn into competitive narcissists. I don’t like seeing people in my life become so negative that they only complain about every single thing in their life instead of finding some shred of positivity in their lives. I don’t like seeing the distance that’s grown between me the people who carry around the things I keep trying to run away from.

I’m frustrated that this is happening, and I know I want to change it, but I also know that I can’t change other people. People have to want to change themselves. I want to love and support and uplift the people in my life, but I can’t do that if I’m constantly being torn down by them. I want to reach a point where I am genuinely excited for their own growth and journey as they are about mine. But we’re just not there yet.

I am the biggest fan of empathy and emotional intelligence. That’s what makes me an ENFJ. My Meyer Briggs means I genuinely care about people, so much so, that I’d put them before my own wants and needs. I may have made a mistake in the last year by being blindsided by helping others when I was actually stunting their emotional growth and feeding their insecurities.

I think I’m through with that practice. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far in school, in my career, and in my life. I can only do so much, and other people are something I’ll never be able to control. It’s not worth my time and it’s not worth the negativity. I think it’s an appropriate time to start making my own way without feeling guilty about “the petty feelings of others.”