While cleaning my room over winter break, I came across a few journals that were tucked away. Perplexed, I opened them up and began to skim through them. Within minutes my head was swirling, stomach twisted, and tears filled my eyes to the brim. I had discovered journals that I had written in high school during the time when I was deeply suffering from depression, but had not yet told anyone about my struggle. I was blown away at how dark and terrifying the words that I wrote were. As I read my feelings from three years ago, those same emotions quickly came rushing back to me.
As I read words like "no one likes me, I am completely alone, there is no point in living, my face is ugly, I hate who I am, I want to escape myself, I am a failure, why would anyone even want to talk to me or look at am, I just want to die" fresh tear stains spotted the pages and blended with ones that had fallen years ago while writing.
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These new tears fell, not because the memory of these emotions made me realize that my depressed thinking was correct. These new tears fell in complete and utter sadness; I read my words and I realized that at one point in my life, I actually believed them to be true. Fresh tears feel because I had felt so isolated, alone, and ashamed of my emotions, that I didn't even tell anyone how I was feeling. More tears fell because as I read my depressed thoughts, I realized that there are thousands of other people in the world that are feeling exactly like I was, and like me a few years ago, they don't know depression is an illness as serious as cancer, and that if they don't get help, they will die.
Blue Monday is the most depressed day of the year, statistically. Typically on the third Monday of each January there are more suicides than any other day of the year. If you are depressed and are thinking about suicide, then I have a few things I need you to know.
I was right there with you, I was so ready to die. But I today, I am here to tell you that I am so thankful that I did not commit suicide. If you are reading this, then I need you to know, life is such an amazing and beautiful thing. I wish I could go back to my depressed self, envelop her in a massive hug, and whisper, "everything will be okay, with help from others your mind will heal, and once it does you will see how wondrous and awe inspiring this world and life is."
Although I can't do back in time and tell myself this, if you are struggling with depression, I can give you a virtual hug and tell this to you. You are at a point where everything is dark, it is not your fault, and you can get better. People love you and want to help you. Keep holding on, because you can and will heal. The journey will be long and difficult, but it is so worth it! Once you are better, you will be able to open your eyes in the morning, and smile because you are blessed with another day to discover how beautiful the world around you is. You will be able to love yourself. You matter, you are important, you are loved.
If you are planning your own death, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or go to the nearest emergency room.
