OK, raise your hand if you watch "The Bachelorette" without judging anyone and believe it is the best way to everlasting love.

That's what I thought. In the spirit of cynicism and unfairly bashing gorgeous people, below are my thoughts on the contestants featured on JoJo's season based on the first episode (note: their bios are all filled with shamble tidbits—they all seem to like "Gladiator"—but I wanted to judge just based on what I saw on the show).

Robby, 27 – Former Competitive Swimmer

Robby had the classiest outfit of the night and brought wine, so he’s looking like a frontrunner. The previews don’t bode well for Robby, but I noticed lots of shots of a stud with a trim beard and flowing locks, which means he survives for a while (or one of the other eight guys who looks just like him but didn’t talk much becomes a Cinderella story). Also, “former” competitive swimmer is not a job. Is his current job now swimming for fun or something?

Jordan, 27 – Former Pro Quarterback

I’ll admit it, I find Jordan swoon-worthy, just like JoJo and the rest of America did. But I think he’s overhyped. His hair is weird and no one is talking about it. The previews also make him look like he’s not there for the right reasons (yes, I used that phrase and no, I’m not ashamed) and once again, “former” in front of a job does not count as employment. Still, he’s cute enough for hometowns, but could spell heartbreak…

Ali, 27 – Bartender

Ali gives off major Aladdin vibes, and it’s only mostly because his name makes me think of "Prince Ali." Although Aladdin was a street rat with a heart of gold, this Prince Ali should consider asking his genie to grant him a job that’s not tending bar. ABC could be his genie and buy the ring though…

Alex, 25 – U.S. Marine

Alex is the trendiest Marine you will ever meet (his sock game is strong). He is also perfect in every way—he’s ripped, served our country, and passed as sincere during his interviews—except for looking like a munchkin from "The Wizard of Oz" when standing next to Robby. Maybe if JoJo clicks her heels three times and then changes into a pair of flats they'll have a shot.

Luke, 31 – War Veteran

I want to like Luke, I really do. He has his life together, he’s from Texas like JoJo, and he even rode in on a unicorn! Honestly, though, I just find his face creepy. I hate that I do, but I do. It's like he's trying to do the Flynn Rider smolder, but he's not an animated Disney prince so it fails. If JoJo likes him, I still can’t see it working since JoJo’s house alone is probably too big to fit in Luke’s small town. He could pull a Chris Soules and land "The Bachelor" gig if he manages to get dumped late enough.

James T., 29 – Singer/Songwriter

James had a cute entrance, but any "singer/songwriter" who says he went on TV to find love is about as honest as a politician in primary season. He’s charming enough to squeeze into the top six, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he fizzled out within a couple weeks.

James S., 27 – Bachelor Superfan

If ABC didn’t make James write “Bachelor Superfan” as his job, he would have put teeth-whitening model (he also does the photo inserts from the frame you just bought at Target as a side gig). So, he’s a hard no.

Grant, 27 – Firefighter

Grant will last just long enough for you to learn his name before JoJo sends him home because “there wasn’t a spark” he was the last one she was never really into that she kept around until she could send him home. He will then peddle his stint on the show into a campaign with Old Spice and play the field on "Bachelor in Paradise."

Christian, 26 – Telecom Consultant

ABC will make sure Christian stays on for at least a month so they can pretend the show is not racist, but he will go home around the same time Grant does once JoJo remembers he’s still a contestant and not just occupying space with his lack of personality.

Brandon, 28 – Hipster

He used to work for Emo, but now, he only likes their old stuff. He will also stop liking JoJo once he realizes everyone else does. In conclusion, Brandon never liked JoJo (since everyone always liked her) and is just there to avoid returning to his taxing profession of “hipster” until the busy season of music festivals ends.

Chad, 28 – Luxury Real Estate Agent

On paper, I might think, “yeah, Chad’s handsome and has a not-awful job, maybe JoJo should date him.” But then he opens his mouth and I realize Chad already knows this about himself, except he thinks adding “luxury” to his job title makes him sound rich and not desperate. He’ll be this season’s Olivia for sure and I look forward to watching his beautiful ego crushed and hopefully lots of man-tears.

Chase, 27 – Medical Sales Rep.

Truthfully, I remember nothing about Chase, but he’s attractive and has a job so maybe he’s the underdog! He also looks like a mix of Chad, Jordan, and Robby, so maybe JoJo will confuse him with one of those three and keep him until the final four.

Daniel, 31 – Male Model

He got drunk and jumped in the pool, so he should have been automatically disqualified in my book.

Evan, 33 – Erectile Dysfunction Expert

Evan and JoJo may share their Christian values—he used to be a pastor, which makes perfect no sense—but I don’t think she’d like to become involved with his current career choice. Also, he has a mustache. Also, he says “Oh my God bless America.” Hard pass.

Will, 26 – Civil Engineer

I know I’ll get some pushback here, but I like Will. I don’t think JoJo will ever like him after their awkward kiss, but I found the awkwardness endearing. Plus, he’s tall and smart. I only give him another few weeks, but I’d date Will when he gets home!

Derek, 29 – Commercial Banker

Derek has had less-to-no screen time, but I think he’s the best catch of the bunch: he’s tall, dark and handsome with the bonus of having a job that doesn’t say “former” or “erectile dysfunction” in the title. I’ll need to observe his sense of humor, but he’s another underdog bet for me.

James F., 34 – Boxing Club Owner

Hopefully he’ll be the token nice guy, but he would need to pull a "She’s All That" to date JoJo. I say he’ll make the top 10 and get cut when she friend zones him once and for all.

Vinny, 28 – Barber

No. Just no. His name is Vinny and he’s a barber. I don’t need any more reasons.

Wells, 31 – Radio DJ

Again, this won’t be a popular opinion, but Wells is not worth all the fuss. I get it. He brought an a capella group. I like a capella, but I don’t like it when people use a capella to disguise the fact that they’re an average-looking guy who’s a disc jockey despite being over 30. He didn’t even sing—he only knows singers, which is frankly not that hard. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Nick B., 33 – Electrical Engineer

Why did Nick decide to dress up as Santa when the show films in March and airs in May? I don’t know, but I kind of enjoyed it. Was it a little weird? Sure, but weird means he at least has a personality. If he plays his cards right, I could see St. Nick and JoJo cozying up under the mistletoe, although it would take a Christmas miracle for him to win.

Anything can happen during Christmas if you just believe, right? Except it’s still May, so Nick will probably be crying “Jo Jo Jo” on his way back to his hometown of Ft. Lauderdale The North Pole in three or four weeks.

Keep watching "The Bachelorette" on Monday nights at 8 on ABC to see if my predictions are correct!