It was September 10, 2015.
That's the day I picked up my first prescription for the off-brand Zoloft. That was not the day I started taking it because I was terrified. I was worried that I would become a zombie; a person without my own brain and stuck in what seemed like functioning comatose. I didn't want to be catatonic; I wanted to be me. But when I look back on it now, I remember how hard being me was. I remember how afraid I was to be a zombie. But what I remember more are how the days I dissociated and depersonalized, I already was a zombie and how after every panic attack, I was catatonic for hours. The last time I texted my friend about thinking there was no end to the way I was feeling, she told me she thought I really needed to get on medication. It took me three weeks after I was prescribed it to actually start taking it.
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I started with half doses. I was anxious about taking anxiety (and depression) medication. The very beginning wasn't bad. I found myself more anxious when I woke up, but not panicky anxious. I had a concerning amount of energy and, a few times, had to sit down and calm myself into a normal state over too many cigarettes. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it was going to be. So, I upped the dose to taking a full one: 50 mg. What ended up being the worst part was missing a day of taking it. If I missed a day, I would feel it two days later. The first time that happened was particularly bad. But I also stopped thinking about suicide on the rides home from work. I stopped being miserable and started coming out of my room to talk to others more. I found out I was an extrovert. I found out I didn't need to smoke cigarettes anymore. I felt happier. It was never absolute bliss, like the world could never be bad again, but I felt like I could finally handle myself. I didn't annoy myself with my emotions, and because of this, I didn't feel like I was annoying other people with my emotions, either. My relationships got better --- most of them (the ones that didn't weren't going to and no amount of Zoloft stops life and growing up). Everything was actually looking up.
For a year, I continued taking my medication. Cyclically, I felt like it wasn't working anymore, but it always came back. I learned that that was pretty normal.
But then I found the biggest downside to taking psych medication: no longer having it. When my healthcare ran out, I didn't stockpile enough pills to last me until I could see someone again. This was something I was afraid of from the get go. No one prepared me for the withdrawal. I had icepick headaches, migraines, and optical headaches --- seeing was impossible. I slept to stave off the side effects more than I used to sleep to push away the anxious and depressive thoughts. I was pushed down into crying fits in my bed every night, some of which my roommates had to deal with. And then, the final straw, a suicide attempt. So, I shelled out the money I didn't have (with begging help) and re-upped because not having it was debilitating. I later found out that this is because I suddenly stopped taking it. While I had about two weeks of halving the meds again, it wasn't enough of a gradual decrease for my brain to understand. Suddenly, I was without, and nothing inside of me was okay with that.
The second time I detoxed was easier. It's possible that it was because I had been through it already and knew what to expect. But when I say easier, I mean monumentally easier. I took half doses for longer --- a month, at least. I still had a few optical headaches, but they weren't blinding, just pretty uncomfortable, and I only ended up missing one day of work (even if I did cry on my birthday at work). It wasn't half as bad as the first time; I was smarter and I knew what to expect. But, once again, getting it back seemed impossible. The clinic I saw the first time, I was in debt to and everything else was taking too much time or too much money. So I temporarily quit.
Currently, I'm not on medication, but this is not the end of my journey with it. This time around, I've found that it has fixed my suicidal tendencies. I don't resort to suicide as a problem solver anymore. That isn't to say that I never will again or that I haven't ever thought about it, but it doesn't seem as plausible as it did before. It just went away. Now, I find it easier to recognize the things about my personality that I don't like and try to fix them. I'm taking this time to see if I can work through some things. Having these few months of not being on Zoloft is good for me to see where I'm at and what this medication has done for me. It's not for everybody. But my advice? Try it and keep trying until you find what works for you.
Because for me, that type of trying wasn't nearly as hard as trying to live with an untreated mental illness.
