So what do you do a couple days after your birthday that's family friendly, safe, and guaranteed to keep you out of the racially biased gaze of law enforcement? You grab your white best friend and drive about an hour out of town to check out your local bingo hall for the very first time.

When we first entered the bingo hall, we were blown away by the sheer size of the place. Did you know that these locations run pretty big? They're pretty big and pretty old to be perfectly honest with you; I could feel the age of the place just by taking a quick whiff. I think it was probably a good 76 years old and counting with its birthday coming next week. That's what my nose told me, anyway.

Between you and I, buying bingo cards is the most pressuring thing to do your first time. The whole system is confusing for a beginner; you buy these paper bingo cards that run with multiple faces and you can also rent electronic tablets that you can play on too (which cost so much so I wouldn't even bother). The paper cards run in different sets from 3, 9, and 18. 18 card sets are freakishly huge, overwhelming, and are for your pro players. Alas, I am not a professional, but a babe. Being the babes we are, we started with three sets (also known as 3-on, I dunno why) and found a place to sit.

Finding a place to sit was an experience in itself. Since we were by far the youngest folks and possibly the newest faces to step inside that hall, we attracted some of the most intimidating glares from some of the most elderly folks you'll ever see. You ever watch a cowboy film with the dude walking in the bar looking all mad and stuff, and everyone's looking at him and he's looking at everyone and everyone keeps looking at him? We were those cowboys I think. And we were getting some pretty nasty glares. These folks take the game seriously my guy. Nick was too much of a baby so we ended up sitting by the snack bar. By the way, sitting by the snack bar is a horrible idea because the lady who runs it calls out numbers for orders in a bingo hall. I dunno if it's to strengthen the brand, throw you off your game, or just out of irony. I was thrown off my game, though.

Upon taking refuge by the snack bar, we were almost shelled out of our coins by one of the ladies who sold extra cards in the hall. Bingo sessions are also an opportunity to run you out of your money for cheap; there are your standard games such as Blackout, Triple Hardway, or Triple Bingo, and then there are extra sessions that cost more. Again, being the babes we are, we passed on that. For future reference, I'd fall for the trap anyway because those extra games within the session are way less chancy than the games they have you play.

The games themselves are really chancy but fun. They have so many different and creative names such as Crazy Reno, Floating Block of 9, and Large Kite and Tail. I'll just let you know right now that the patterns you have to get to win these games are pretty crazy, just google them yourselves (or go out there and play). I don't want to spoil that for you, ya dig? That's like giving you a taste of the cake my dad's baking before the birthday party that's not fun, OK? All I'm going to tell you though is that I didn't win a single game. Nick didn't either, and that's ok.

(Oh, we also brought a lil gorilla named Harambee along, R.I.P to my silverback hitta, we rubbed his tiny butt for luck but he didn't come through that day.)

Considering the topic of sessions, they all run for about half an hour to an hour depending on a number of bingos. Prizes are usually $500 for folks that win by themselves, but that usually gets split up if there's more than one winner. Everyone who doesn't win gets a complimentary $0 though. By the way, did you know the things that you use to mark your cards are called daubers? They're a dollar an extra dollar a pop, though. Bingo is a cheap way of fun, but also a mini investment. Plan on bringing about $10 to a game.

At the end of it all, my dude and I had fun. It was a nice little way to celebrate my yearly age turn, and also a pretty relaxing past-time. If I had to pit it against baseball, bingo's getting my money any day. I totally recommend it for first or third, group activities, or even team-building exercises for your local coven. Nick and I are swinging down by the hall weekly now; I hope all the bingo ladies and gents will know my name by August.

I'll see y'all next week.