I live in an absurd semi-fascist daydream, surrounded by brainwashed halfwits name-calling at the command of blubbering old men who get heart palpitations when trying to come to terms with the concept of homosexuality. These people still believe in flying invisible dead guys and a book of semi-related hallucinations and poorly written fables. Everyone believes what their parents believe, and the cycle is too strong for any one person to break. All revolutions fail. Humanity is incapable of holding truth and justice over greed and power. Everyone will claw at whatever ancient nonsense they can dig up to back up their innate prejudices with stone quotes. We are all going to die, and I can’t even stand to fuck people who are anything like me for more than seven months straight. My heroes are dead by suicide and my enemies have control of everything. Women are culturally and historically put down by men and by themselves, and every woman I meet is a black swan event. There is nothing I have learned from a past woman that I can apply to a future woman. Reality is a never-ending avalanche of barely-related chance events devouring each other and shitting out the next celebrity death or office meeting or whatever people are still doing these days. We’re allowed to do things we shouldn’t be allowed to do and we’re not allowed to do things we should be allowed to do. Propaganda and misinformation prevail. Poor, forgotten white trash who have been stomped on by the boot of society and used up by the upper class and their politicians will be the first to tell you that poor people are lazy and rich people who have more than everybody in the entire state of Kentucky deserve what they have because they worked really hard. Everyone gets too political about things and it bums everybody out. Sports are dumb, Ed Sheeran isn’t a very good artist, whole grain tastes like wood chips and vitamins are good for you no vitamins are bad for you no they’re good for you. A lot of people go to Panera Bread in Yale sweatshirts to have stale, catch-up lunches with their exes. Libtard safe-space SJW snowflake whiny petulant do-nothing participation-trophy crybabies. I can’t wait to see what happens when you get into the real world. I’ll kick your ass for calling me violent. I hope we can stop these Muslims so we can get mass-murdered by good old white Catholic American insane people who bought guns legally. We are not good at progress. At the end of this whole thing, robots will do almost everything for us and the majority of the population can live a life of leisure. But there is a huge awkward transitional period, and soon robots will do a lot of jobs that lower class families rely on and everything will be fucked up and there will be a lot of anti-robot talk and confused desperation and I hope we get nuked so we can finally stop going through this over and over. Censorship is the worst way to save the world. Creating a culture where certain thoughts are taboo and not even worth discussion creates an underbelly of people with banned bigoted thoughts who are too intimidated to express them publically around strangers, and these people will find each other and this repression will gradually bubble up until someone as stupid as Donald Trump says that the Time Magazine person of the year should be the man of the year and everyone will cheer, screaming with an abandon, for they have finally won. Bigotry should be weeded out with rational discussion and statistics and anecdotal evidence. No, that’s boring and it probably won’t work. Humanity is toxic, and America is diseased, and no one really knows whose fault it is. Led Zeppelin and pizza and making out can be fun but nothing fun can last forever and nothing does last forever and the human mind is not designed for permanent contentment. You can never have everything you want. Your wants change based on what you have and how long you have it for. We have all lost, and we never even had a chance. No one really knows what happened to Holden Caulfield because J.D. Salinger joined a Buddhist cult he created in his mind and hid himself away from the evils of humanity in a bunker until he died at a very old age. Probably Holden didn’t turn out too great. Humanity relies on alcohol because life is terrible and people are tricky. Sometimes there are more interesting drugs, but Nixon banned them all to get re-elected. I can’t remember most things I’ve done, and I don’t think I did anything today. Art is a waste of time, time is a waste of art, yadda yadda, on and on, etc.
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1. Please just be seasonal allergies
You wake up feeling icky one morning and think “Oh it must be allergies, I bet I’m fine.”
2. I must not have gotten enough sleep last night
You go through your day as normal, but you feel gross and more tired than usual.
3. I’ll just take a little nap
You finally get back from class and work and think “Oh, I’m just going to lie down in bed for a little bit.”
4. Oh no, I have so much due tomorrow!
You wake up and realize you slept six hours, it is now 11 pm and you have done none of your homework.
5. I’m fine, I’ll just sleep it off
You stay up until 3 am doing the homework and finally get to go to sleep, you think “Oh I’ll be better in the morning” (clearly you’re in denial).
6. Do I have to be responsible today?
You wake up that morning, you have slept through your alarm and don’t even want to get up.
7. Ugh no, I can’t actually be sick
You start thinking, “maybe this isn’t allergies.”
8. Alright, I’ll take some medicine and I’ll be fine
You throw on clothes really quick, go to your classes (even though you’re late) and go to work anyway (still in denial).
9. This is the worst day of my life
You get back from class and work again and your nose is stuffed, you’re coughing and you feel dizzy.
10. Mom?
You call your mom because she always knows what to do.
11. She was right (like always)
She tells you to take your temperature, you do and you find out you have a fever.
12. Too bad you're busy and can’t take the day off tomorrow
You decide to take some medicine and sleep it off, because of course, you have to be better for class, work and any activity you have for the next day.
13. You think about taking the day off, but realize you have like three tests
The next morning, you’re behind on classwork, you still have a fever, but you can’t miss your classes and you have a very busy day, so you go anyway.
14. You think you're actually going to be sick forever
The cycle continues, until it's either the weekend or you decide work and class can wait and you need a day to rest.
15. Finally, you're better!
Eventually, after being sick through class and work for about a week or so you’re finally better, and you pray that you don’t get sick again, only to do it all over the next month.
1. You only ask things once.
Asking to go to your friends house a second time is futile. In fact, it may make things worse.
2. Seriously, you only ask once.
You don’t get to go out Friday and Saturday, silly child. Choose one.
3. When you do muster up the courage to ask your parents for something, you creep around and wait until they’re in a good mood.
This significantly improves your chances of getting a yes. Pro tip: Doing extra chores helps.
4. Before you get that final yes, you have to go through an interview.
Who are you going with? What time? Where are you going? Who else is going? Who are their parents? Where do they work? How long have they been there?
5. If you ever got “the eye,” you knew you were screwed.
Prepare yourself for a lecture when you get home.
6. You were always the first to leave your group of friends when hanging out.
If you ever want to be able to go out again, you better go home on time.
7. If you say you will be home at a certain time, you better be home at that time.
Calls start coming the minute you’re late.
8. Seeing a missed call from your parents sends fear and horror through your veins.
R.I.P. if you see two or more missed calls.
9. If relatives are coming over to the house, your room better be clean.
Because the one room they will not go in determines the cleanliness of the rest of the house.
10. You are careful about what jokes you share with your parents.
Anything remotely inappropriate results in a 10 second joke turning into a 30 minute lecture.
11. "You’re not an adult until you turn 18! You can do whatever you want then!"
Disclaimer: When you turn 18, it becomes, “My roof, my rules.”
12. If plans change while you’re out, you better text or call.
Don't be that kid that gets caught by their parents driving somewhere they weren't supposed to be.
13. Don’t talk back. Ever.
I don’t care if you were told to hunt down the last unicorn in the world using a pot of gold stolen from the leprechaun at the end of a rainbow. Just do it.
14. When you’re called by your full name, you’re in deep trouble.
Say your prayers.
15. Don’t make them call your name twice.
The second you hear your name being called, drop everything you’re doing and run.
16. Sleepovers are not a thing.
They just aren’t. Why sleep somewhere else when you have a bed at home?
17. Despite all of these things, you know your parents love you.
They might not always show it, but they do.
1. Pets
Getting a pet is great -- cats, dogs, fish, or any sort of thing you can keep makes you care for something beyond yourself and gives you company. (Some are huggable, too!) As a pet owner, you can definitely tell when they’ve gotten into trouble … and sometimes you get a little weird with them. Non-pet owners just wouldn’t understand.
2. Mornings
Without parents to wake you up, how do you even? Or, you know, if you fall asleep at your desk studying because you're working hard. Rough life, man. And mornings were hard enough as it was.
3. Mistakes
We all make mistakes, Ross. It's fine. Whether you mixed your colored laundry with your whites, or you were cleaning and you bleached something that was not meant to be bleached, there's gonna be nobody at fault but you. And even if you're by yourself (or your cat is judging you), you have to own up to it, and move on.
4. Cooking for yourself
Nobody can do sarcasm like Phoebe. Cooking is very exciting in the beginning and all, but once you're at that stage in your life when you're too lazy to even make ramen, and all you have in your fridge is an empty milk carton and some leftovers from last week, well, it's a lot less fun.
5. Hosting
You've finally got a place where your friends can hang and people can come over! But see above. Cooking, cleaning, all that stuff you need to do to prepare for guests is harder than it seems, and if you keep telling yourself that pizza isn't a cop-out, then everything will work out.
6. Taking care of yourself
Just like Chandler, you might not be entirely aware of what health and sanitation is. It's fine, we've all been there. And it's a lot harder than it seems. You're not alone.
7. Holidays
Since you can go all out, you will, and there's nothing your roommates can do about it. Friendsgiving? Heck yeah! St. Patty's Day? Of course! And best of all, Halloween, where your space becomes the spookiest around (on a budget, of course, nobody's made of money).
8. Roommates
So maybe you don't live exactly alone. It's good to have a roommate, right? Especially if they're a good roommate, so you don't have to be picking up after them or complaining to your cat. And when you want to have a do-nothing day, they'll be there for you (and you'll be there for them too.)
9. Keeping focused and getting stuff done
Don't even pretend. That's hilarious. If you can study, good for you, but the rest of us will be over here not doing what we should and hanging out with our friends instead. And cramming and panicking later.
10. Cleaning
If you've ever cleaned a place after a party, you are a survivor, a true warrior. Even cleaning bathrooms or the nooks and crannies of your place before a parent visits will yield some interesting results, however. You never know what you'll find, but it's usually not pleasant.
11. Social life
There's only two modes here: #foreveralone or everything's coming up roses. Without supervision or even any sort of restriction, you can do what you want to when you want to. That means going out ... or staying in. You can do whatever.
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