We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the power of our testimony. That's what scripture tells us. It's absolutely true, but sometimes I get tired of the testimony part if I'm honest! Not everyone is called to share the intimate details of their life openly with the world around them, but when they are, it's scary. For the past year I have had many confirmations from the Lord that I need to share my story with those around me. I have been feeling the need to do so again. So, I pray that my experiences can encourage you.
This is the story of my recovery. I've been at it since May of this year. Today was my 63rd day of treatment, just since then. I've been in treatment a few other times earlier this year as well. It's been a lot of hard work, but it's changed my life by leaps and bounds within only three months. When I left school I was a totally different person than I am now.
To make a long story short, I was abused as a young girl. Emotionally, verbally, mentally, and sexually. It destroyed my self-esteem, and I felt like I had everything stolen from me. After years of stuffing everything away I finally collapsed in 2015. I became extremely suicidal, was huffing, engaging in self-harm, extremely dangerous promiscuity, having anxiety attacks, and developed an eating disorder. I have tried to take my life about five times, probably more. I was in the hospital once a month while in college, terrifying my friends and family. Depression destroyed me, and my social anxiety was out of control. I would avoid the cafeteria at school and go days without eating because I didn’t want to see people. I stayed in bed for days at a time and skipped my classes because my chest was so heavy that I couldn’t even breathe. I was at the end of my rope and there was nothing left for me. At least that’s how I felt.
During finals week I was self-harming so dangerously that I couldn’t stay in school, so I left four days early to go into treatment. Once I was strong enough, I went back to campus and gathered my things. I came back home to Pittsburgh and began more treatment. I was only here for a few weeks and then I left to do residential in Philadelphia. I was there for twenty-six days, and then I returned home again. I completed a day program, and now I am in the lowest level, IOP, or Intensive Out-Patient. Within the next two weeks I will be finished with my treatment and back into the swing of normal life!
The last time I attempted to take my life was March of this year. It was just three days after my birthday, and I have never been the same. It was the most serious attempt I had ever made, and I came very close. Doctors have told me that it is a miracle I survived all of my attempts, and it’s hard to believe that I did.
The thing is, recovery is a choice I have to make everyday. It never stops, I’m always fighting for the life I want. And that is how it’s always going to be. We fight for what we want in this life, we work hard for our dreams and we are blessed with the ability to do so. It is a daily process of challenging our thinking. We need to think about what we are thinking about. It’s about learning to reappraise your deepest hurts and being honest about every slip up. It’s about learning to trust the Lord more and depend on your self less. It’s about surrender and commitment. It’s about learning how to feel so that you can let go. Lean into the discomfort, that's what they say.
I never thought I would want to live. I never thought I would be able to make it more than a week without cutting myself or purging. Here I am, 118 days self-harm free!!! With a different mind, a different body-image, and a different outlook on my life. Recovery is hard as hell, but worth every hellish moment you fight for it. If you feel weak, let the Lord become your strength. If you feel alone, remember that He is always with you. If you’re scared, remember that He can be your courage. He will give you your worth, your fight, your will, and your light.
