On this planet, or at least in this nation, the government doesn't seem to care enough about its people. It seems to, instead, possess a thirst for revenge which it prioritizes over the general welfare of its citizens. This is something I did not note in my studies before my arrival otherwise I would have picked to study a different nation, perhaps the one they call Sweden, but, then again, I did not study as long or as diligently as I should have.
Alas it is too late now and I am incredibly famished. Even the persona of an elderly retiree I have chosen has not been enough to garner sympathy from this establishment and I have yet to have consumed an Earth meal. This system in place, referred to as capitalism, means that printed currency is exchanged for goods and services. So: no green paper equals no food. However there was a loophole. As I began to mention before, this government's preoccupation with exacting revenge is so great that it prioritizes the distribution of funds disproportionately on incarceration versus providing for free citizens. It is a widely held belief that the longer the government imprisons criminals, the more they suffer, completely disregarding the costs incurred by paying for the inmates' survival. The way I see it, if I do something "criminal," I get sent to jail and all my meals are paid for as long as I am being "punished."
That's how I ended up at the Denny's with a Glock in my third hand. Oh the Glock? It really wasn't that hard to acquire: no background checks or anything; in fact it was easier to get than my Earth companion, Spike!
From my observations, Earthlings of this nation tend to value certain lives over others so I was going to have to be picky in who I chose to offend for the longest prison sentence. I really did not want to execute an Earthling they are, after all, rather cute despite being horribly misguided in their views on tolerance. Maybe one day they'll learn that strength comes in numbers. That is how my race was able to conquer Mars without detection.
Wait tolerance that's it! If there's one thing Americans hate more than murder it's homosexuality! I looked around and found a man closest to my persona's age group, ran over, and gave him a big ol' smooch. Women fainted! Men shrieked! Babies began to cry! "Oh the horror!" called out the waitress passing by the bar. The bartender grabbed the phone and dialed 911. "Hello police we've got a 69! I repeat a 69!!!"
The man I kissed had fallen back off his barstool and was glaring at me. His hat fell off revealing his third eye. "What did you do that for?!"
"A Venusian? What are you doing here?" I asked him using my third arm to quickly pick him up.
"Huh, a Martian... study abroad I guess the same as you?" He pulled his cap back on and I pulled my arm back into my coat.
"Police! You're under arrest for causing widespread panic and public indecency!" They cuffed both of us and led us to the squad car. We started conversing in Balsamic, a universal language not yet picked up by Earthlings.
"Why did you get us arrested?"
"The prisons here feed prisoners for as long as their sentence. Based on what we just did, I'm guessing we're good for human life!" The officer turned around, "What the Hell is that, Arabic? Shut up we'll deal with you terrorists when we get to the station." We got to the station and they searched us for our wallets. It was only week 2 of the study abroad semester so neither of us had Earthling documentation yet.
"Where are your IDs?" the officer barked at us.
"Listen sir," the Venusian started, "this is going to sound crazy but we're aliens." I had only just met the guy but the way he stammered when scared was adorable.
"Illegals, eh? Deportation it is!"
"Wait not those kind of aliens!" Before we had a chance to explain, they threw us in another van and we were on our way to the Mexican border. They hadn't even asked us which country we allegedly emigrated from!
"This place sucks, I'm Zen by the way," I held my hand out to him.
"Tell me about it. Syle. I wanted to study Sweden instead. It's way more peaceful and part of the EU."
"I don't know what that is but if you're getting reassigned there I'll room with you."
"Yeah you're pretty cute and any country on this crazy planet sounds better with you." We held hands and beamed up together to the nearest space station to get reassigned but not without something to report to our deans about the complex nation, known as the United States of America, we had just escaped.
