Depression. Its can be a taboo word. No one really talks about it, and in some cases no one wants to hear about it. Depression is something that causes some people to run and hide. Like it's a clown, a scary monster, or a demon. The people that do not struggle with it don't understand, and if you do struggle with it you do not understand why people aren't more compassionate.
Over my years of struggling with depression I have learned a few things. People are scared because they do not understand. They do not understand how it feels to hide your true emotions through a mask of happiness. You walk around acting like everything is fine. You smile like nothing is wrong. You laugh like you aren't being ripped apart inside.
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In reality you're dying inside. You feel like at any moment you will break, you will burst into a sobbing, blubbering mess. You're constantly on edge. Like a window with a crack in it, one more hit could send you shattering into a million pieces. Pieces that cannot be just glued back together. Pieces big and pieces small.
The hardest part about living with depression for me is living my life in fear of breaking down. Fear that I will get judged, or fear that I will look weak. I have always had to be strong in my life, and looking weak and vulnerable is a fear of mine. This leads me to keep my emotions inside of me. Eventually one incident will send me over the edge. It feels like once I get over that edge I cannot come back from it.
As you walk through your life with depression it can really change your relationships, from friendships to dating and anywhere in between. You have the fear of telling them. You live in fear of them walking away, and getting scared because then they will be gone. What if you break down and they walk away because they don't know what to do? What if they treat you differently?
These are questions that ran through my mind when I started to accept the fact that I had depression. I was always as honest as I could be with the people around me. Yes people walked away, but the ones that mattered stayed.
As much as I wanted to hide the fact I carried this baggage, I couldn't. As hard as we try, depression is something we can't really hide. You can isolate yourself, you can hide all your feelings, you can cry in silence.
But in reality someone will notice. Someone will find out. Maybe that's when you're silently crying in the shower, and you let that one sound out. Maybe its when you start to isolate yourself and your friends start to notice. Honesty is key, and I know that is a struggle.
I am not perfect. I used to go to counseling for my depression, but I stopped. Now, a year later, I wish I hadn't stopped. As I am sitting here writing this article in the midst of one of my depressive times, I wished I had never stopped. I finally made another appointment to go. I had to find the strength within myself to make that call. To NOT admit weakness or defeat. But to admit that depression is bigger than me.
It is not something I can just shove away in my closet. It is something I need help with. I need help with it to become healthier. Going to counseling is not admitting defeat, it is not claiming weakness. It's actually a very strong thing to do, to face the fact you need help.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid or scared because you are struggling with depression. It's is not something to be embarrssed about. More people have it than you may think.You aren't the only one struggling. Even in the lonliest times you aren't alone. Remember that.
