"It's important to realize you can miss something, but not want it back." - Paulo Coelho
We've said our farewells and that should be that, right? But oh dear, heavens no. After sitting on it for a few days after our talk at Black Bird Cafe I've come to this conclusion, and if you decide to read it, which I'm sure you will, your lack of respect for me will turn into more of an over exaggerated hate. You see, back in March, March 9th for exact measure, once my grandpa passed away, my life went downhill. I've never experienced such weakness and heartache in such a short amount of time. Things would look up here and there, but it would never fail that something was going to ruin my smile eventually.
The amount of hate and grief I've had in my heart for the past six months, you could not believe. Some would go crazy if their mind cruised as fast as mine and with the thoughts that consume me, most would never understand. Personally, I don't understand them most of the time. But when you texted and said we should talk after you read my article "The Friend Who Brought Me Down," obviously about you, I debated if I even wanted to, we hadn't talked in three months and quite frankly you're the last person I wanted to even see. Though, I decided I would answer and agree to meeting up and talking, don't get it twisted that it was only to hear your side of the story because by God it had to be good, I was sure of it.
The entire talk though all I could think about was everything that had gone on the past six months, it brought back memories of defeat and worthlessness I once felt. So though I'm sure you feel you've stated everything you needed to and ended the friendship willingly and with grace, understand, our friendship was over months before we talked, our friendship was over because I found the worth in myself and decided not to reply to your messages. Our friendship ended at the words "I can't be the friend you need right now." So yes, you apologized halfheartedly for not being mature enough to speak in person instead of sending me novels for text messages. I only think it's fair I apologize as well.
1. I'm sorry you felt things changed between us after I returned home from the psychiatric hospital, but to think someone wouldn't change at least just a little after staying in a place like that is almost hilarious to me. Personally, I knew I had changed, but I guess I was too blind to see that the friendship wasn't the same. Maybe it wasn't the same because of my mind and sensitivity, or maybe it truly was because the things you would say, your tough love, so to speak, never helped me. I don't fully remember your text that triggered my breaking point, as you know I delete things once they upset me, so imagine the amount of texts I deleted from you, but as you say it was about me shutting you out. So on to my next apology..
2. I'm sorry I shut you out, but for heaven's sake, you rarely came to see me when I lived in Lawrence, I only recall maybe three times in the two months I was there you willingly coming to see me. You maybe stayed for an hour each time, which is all fine as I understood you worked and needed rest, but shutting you out seems a little extreme. I prefer to say, I began cherishing the friends whom actually took more time out of their schedules to pay me a visit instead of me constantly feeling like I just have to go to them, since after all, I did work in Topeka. Which leads us to our next apology.
3. I'm sorry you truly believed just because I worked in Topeka meant I should just come visit you. Yes, I'd willingly go to your place more and I didn't mind it at all when I lived in Topeka at my parents', but truth be told, it was because I was on constant edge feeling like, if I didn't go see you, I'd get another novel text that I'd read, be pissed about, and delete. And you call me self-righteous.
4. I'm sorry I didn't quite understand your meaning behind "I just can't be the friend you need right now" and "You ruined this friendship." because to me, that sounds an awful lot like we probably aren't friends anymore. I guess to you it meant that you'd give me time to heal and then you'd come back around. You'd stalk my instagram to keep up on my latest activities, which is truthfully kind of odd seeing as I blocked you on everything, so I'm left wondering, who's account did you use? Anyway, you'd look at my pictures with my friends and think "man, she was never like that with me.". Well, after you ended the friendship unknowingly, I realized that, fuck, even my roommate at the time who has only personally known me since my grandpa passed away and has seen me at my weakest and yes has learned the hard way not to send me novel texts if she upset with me, is supportive and happy to be apart of my life.
5. I'm sorry you thought for one second that there is a time limit on someone's healing, and after three months all my wounds should have healed and we could talk and be friends again. You left at my weakest and sadly, I just got weaker. I think the whole "If you love it let it go, if it comes back it's your" bullshit is, well, bullshit. So go ahead and believe you were doing the right thing, and I'll believe you weren't.
6. I'm sorry you were led to believe that we would talk everything out after I finished "healing" and there'd be a chance we'd be best friends again. But truth be told, we weren't friends once you decided you just couldn't be the friend I needed at the moment. I never intended on a friendship after that, I even told people we weren't friends anymore when they'd ask. Maybe I should be more okay with second chances but as the saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. At least I think that's the saying, but I could be pulling that one out of my
7. I'm sorry you don't understand just as song writers and musicians write about how they feel or view certain situations, I being an aspiring writer, do the same thing and I refuse to feel shame for it. You can say the likes are superficial but if you could read half the messages I've received about how me sharing my stories has helped others in some way, shape, or form then you'd understand why I love it so much. Not even that, but the release I feel when I write about something is amazing. Truthfully, once I write about a situation, I no longer feel burdened by it, I feel at ease and that makes it worth it for me. I mean, don't do me wrong and I won't write about it.
8. I'm sorry I defiled your character with my article "To The Friend Who Brought Me Down", but honestly, your character lost meaning to me when being my friend was just too much of a burden for you. Sounds harsh, I know. But I no longer thought of you as a sweet and caring individual after that.
9. And lastly, I'm so sorry you feel you can dictate what moments in my life I choose to write about.
There, you got your closure and now I have mine.
Sincerely,
The self-righteous one.
