Parking is confusing: The summons refers to Lot Numbers but the signs refer only to Field Numbers, except the sign for Field 9 mentions Lot 14. No one told me they'd have airport style metal detectors; you would be wise to leave your throwing knives at home on this one. They say the metal detectors detect cigarettes, so they embarrass smokers, which I guess is a good thing. Seats aren't great but aren't terrible, slightly more comfortable than the seats in my old high school auditorium. The automated voice for jury summons seemed to have a fake Long Island accent; my instructions were almost unintelligible. No cute girls. Can't stress this enough. If you are a young bachelor looking for a young, attractive, and available potential date, the Nassau County Supreme Court is NOT the place to go. All the flags are hung sideways. What does that mean? The whole courthouse looks pretty official at first, with the marble and flags and wood panel walls and huge engrained seals, but they blew it with the ceiling; the disgusting off-white coffee-stained-looking paneling looks like it could fall down any second in a hail of dust and asbestos. I showed up a half hour late (did not expect all that traffic!) with no repercussions, so the good ol' gov't was either feeling lax or they are just too incompetent to successfully enforce promptness. They wouldn't let me sit in the big judge chairs (the fascists) but the lady said she wasn't even allowed to sit in the Big Chairs, so I couldn't get too mad at her.

Ok there was one cute girl looking at me as I walked by, I should have said "Can I sit next to you?" but instead I just grunted a probably inaudible "Hey" and she looked away. Oh well, my stuff's already on another seat and I was going to get some writing done anyway.

Groups of names are called out seemingly at random, summoning sagging, tired faces to walk zombie-like, as if condemned to limbo, toward the mysterious Room Number 3.

A wave of anxious momentary relief washes over those of us still in the waiting room; the name calling spares us yet.

Now, we wait.

…

The third wave of name calling comes, and second to last comes a resounding and foreboding "Kevin Hassett." A quiet "fuck" comes out of my mouth as I drearily pack up my things and try to walk as cool as possible to impress the girl from before. Room Number 3 has 4 rows of seats. Two lizards in lawyer suits tilt their head with a jerk and shoot their tongues out and back in twice rapidly. The lizards wait until everyone sits down to announce that everyone in the front row has to stand up to switch seats with the six people whose names they will arbitrarily call.

They call me again, second to last again. This means I'm one of the six potential jurors to be grilled by the lizards. The Asian takes way longer than everyone else to fill out the questionnaire. She wins, they let her go. That would have been inspiring if I hadn't just decided to go for it, to do my duty and make $400 and correct my sleep schedule instead of pretending to be racist or a staunch and disruptive anarcho punk.

They call up Yuri Ortiz to take her place.

Yuri either does not understand English or is a goddamn genius. He answers everything by nodding his head and saying his name. The defendant's last name is also Ortiz, so the lizards are trying to make sure he isn't related.

"Are you related to Daniel Ortiz?"

"Yuri"

"We have to make sure you're not going to side with the defendant just because he has the same last name as you"

"...Yuri"

Apparently satisfied with the answer, they keep him on as a potential juror for a preposterously long time. I am the only one laughing. Dismal sense of humor these limbo folks have.

Moron in the potential jury section claims an inability to be partial because she's had some incidents with chiropractors. The lizards take her outside to sort this out. The middle-aged women make small talk as I play games on my phone. "You're on Rockville Center Moms?"

The lizards go right from asking a girl why she wants to be a physical therapist to asking me if I think there's a limit to compensation for pain. I just kind of look at them."Uh..."

They asked me if there is a maximum dollar amount you can put on human suffering, as if I could answer this abstract philosophical dilemma instantly with a simple yes or no.

The cafeteria has no cameras; if you're sneaky you can put a bunch of muffins and black and white cookies in your pockets or bag and walk out without anyone noticing. Be careful though, the place is crawling with cops.

The courthouse is also very close to both Sam Ash and Guitar Center, so you can buy some guitar strings during your lunch break if you want. Guitar Center is NOT where Google Maps says it is, though. It is not in the middle of Glen Cove Road, it is off of Old Country Road. Google Maps cost me about 15 minutes of my lunch break.

I return on time and put my shit through the metal detector, only to realize I forgot my water bottle in the car. All they have inside is a water cooler with the tiniest disposable cups you've ever seen in your life. You can drink about a thimble of water at a time. So I go back to get my water bottle, and when I come back the cool nice security guard says “don't worry about it, just walk through.” If you want to bring a gun into the courthouse, this is how you do it.

They come back from deliberation and dismiss the potential juror who claims to have a medical issue where she can't sit for long periods of time. Then, the lizards say in the same breath at the end of their dismissal, "and Hassett."

Those fuckers! I tried to be a model citizen and everything. I was all set to be impartial and reach a verdict carefully and intelligently. Everyone else they rejected couldn't speak English or had a vendetta against chiropractors. I was the only compliant person where they were just like nah, go away. They rejected me. Huge blow to my self esteem. They told me right after we reconvened from a 90 minute break, too. I could've been home hours ago. I can't believe I'm not good enough for jury duty. I was all set to give this place 2 stars, but

0 stars

Would not recommend

If you must go, act like an imbecile and steal shit