"You are enough. You are enough. You are ENOUGH."

Being an extroverted introvert with self-sabotaging tendencies ain’t easy. Add being black to that equation on an island where the people struggle with an identity crisis. Fun times.

As I stroll down Calle Luna smoking a Marlboro cigarette, with each click and each clack of my taupe pumps I silently chant to myself "I am enough." Even though it never fucking feels like it.

Living abroad in Puerto Rico as an insecure African woman is pretty dope most days. I spend most days on the beach, road tripping, or partying with "summer" friends. Me encanta la isla! I love being engulfed in nature at all times, the beautiful chirping of the coqui's, the smell of ocean salt and beautiful palm trees. I love the genuine kisses, compliments and hugs I receive upon meeting someone for the first time. And please don't even get me started on the food! Ya' girl gained 16 pounds in my first month. Mofungo de pana con pollo, arroz con salchica, alcappurias, arepas.. I can go on and on! There are so many perks to living here. I've dreamed of modeling and got signed to my first major agency living here. But like living in any place; I've had my fair share of peaks but I've definitely walked through a few nasty valleys.

People come up to me about 5 times a days asking to take a photo with me, they yell things like: "me encanta su colorrrrr", "que bella negrita", or "siempre hermosa siempre." I walk into places and everyone stares at me with wide eyed astonishment. In the beginning, it was pretty freakin' dope. I felt like fuckin’ Beyoncé walking into a room in 1999 after "The Writing's on The Wall" album dropped. I embraced people wanting to take photos with me and asking to touch my 'fro. Now... I’m fucking over it.

I wouldn't say this is the Black experience for all here on this little island. My skin is black like basalt, big hair textured like sheep's' wool, my lips.. a hybrid between Angelina Jolie and Jay Z, and my eyes big and wide like Bambi. There's no hiding my blackness. Although, there's a beautiful part of Puerto Rico that is predominantly black and MANY Afro-Boricuas exist. I could never pass as a Puerto Rican. At this point, I can’t tell if they’re staring because they feel I don’t belong, think I’m beautiful, or have just never seen a pitch black African in the flesh. It’s hard to say, I just know I don't like it anymore.

Colorism in Puerto Rico is a lot different from the colorism I’ve grown accustomed to in Chicago. To be quite frank, I think I’ve experienced more racism on this little island than I have in my entire life. Including my years of attending all-white Catholic middle school. Not even my first year of high school at an all-white, private school in one of the wealthiest areas in Illinois during the Obama election in 2008 compares. HELLO.. I've had co-worker's make malicious comments down right racist comments that you would think could get you fired in 2016. Comments that are a pimp-slap to my identity and my people. Here's an example of what my former co-worker said to me a few weeks back, "black men stink...they're facial features are ugly...they're just not the same as Puerto Rican blacks" she then 'piggybacked' her ignorance saying "but that's just my preference I'm not racist my grandfather is a black Puerto Rican." To answer your question, no I didn't slap her silly. Yes.. I regret not doing so. When the manager on duty overheard her comments she was sent home. Theeennnnn plot twist!! After, the manager on duty relayed to the owner what had just occurred the Manager on Duty was scolded and reprimanded. That racist imbecile was apologized to for being sent home and was told that the manager on duty over reacted. Long story short. I quit that job. But that's another blog post.

No matter what anyone says, I'll continue to silently chant "I am enough" even though it never fucking feels like it.