I want to let you into my bubble and explain where my scars are from and why some are faded and some are noticeable.. I've been viewed as a sexual object since I was 5.. before I had any clue what I was doing they were the first to ever use my want to make people around me happy against me.. then boys at school would treat me the same and would try different things sexually on me.. I was a sexual person by the age of 9.. 9.. I always look at my nephew as he ages and think about what I did at his age.. how different it is for him.. I pray it doesn't happen to him ever.. ive been taken advantage of by my family members and people who were supposed to be my friend... I've been blessed with the opportunity to ask a few of them why they did it and they ALL say because they loved me.. that's odd to me.. I could never tell anyone because I didnt want my parents to feel like they failed in protecting me or get in trouble.. eventhough I would pray that they never asked me I secretly wished they would have.. I've felt used by people for their personal benefits for my entire life.. I took control of this by acting like them.. it worked for awhile.. I was in control and prided myself on by ability to say no and shut people down.. I've never told anyone the real number of people I've slept with.. I dont know what it is.. I used them in the way they used me.. and I realized that by not giving them the real me I could protect myself.. a few people got a glimpse of my soul for a moment.. I use to fall in love quickly and I thought I'd be married by 21.. I've always wanted to be a wife.. I want to be a mans inspiration and motivation to be the best he can be.. I want to be his stress relief and feel his pain fade when he sees me.. I want someone I can love with my all with out worrying if you feel the same or appreciate me.. I want someone to ask me what my story is.. I cant believe no one has ever asked.. I become strong for other even when I am down because I can feel your pain and your healing becomes more important than my hurt.. I forgive to easily and because I cant fully love you and be mad at the same time.. I can't stand to be mad or upset with someone i truly care about.. it will be on my mind till its settled or i let you go.. I've never been asked to be someone's girlfriend.. well kinda once.. I am constantly healing others but I'm required to heal myself.. I wish people weren't afraid of me when they first meet me but at the same time I kinda love it.. I love that I give off a no bullshit allowed here vibe.. I've wanted to commit suicide multiple times and I don't because of my parents and I'm afraid that after they are gone I might do it.. deep down it's the plan.. but there is also this haunting feeling that I will be punished spiritually for such an act.. I feel loved and not understood at the same time.. I adore being someone people turn to when they are lost.. I do cherish my gift to truly help people.. it is a curse sometimes.. people do use me to elevate themselves and then leave.. but that's ok because I know that not everyone is meant to stick around..