First,

Let me start out by saying, I am not here to change your views and I will never judge you for how feel.

This is simply an open letter because I write when I am struggling. I pray that someone struggling that isn't able to put it into words takes something from this. I will also tell you, I am here for anyone that is struggling or that has even had a bad day and needs a friend with an open ear. Please do not be afraid to dm me, text me, call me. I will be your person for as long as you need me to be. I have seen God work in the people I love and the people around me. I have seen him work in the weak, poor, and struggling ones. I have seen him work in me. I've lost my faith in him before when he took people out of my life. I lost my faith when he chose to make me struggle and learn from my mistakes. I was a walking disaster. I sin, I make mistakes, sometimes I don't always choose God but he never seems to stop choosing me. I believe that God gives his battles to his toughest soldiers and I know that he will never put you or I in a position that neither one of us can't handle. We may never understand his plan in the moment and when you try to take things into your own hands, he will pull the reins so fast. I have found so much peace in trusting him and praying to him. I have found that my praying has only been happening when I am struggling and I've always said you should pray when things are good and bad. Please don't fall into my habit. Pray when things are good and bad.

So here it goes,

God,

I have struggled with being able to "trust the process" and believing that everything happens for a reason. I am very good at self-sabotaging. I question my decisions every single day and I second guess my decisions on moving away. I'm not sure what is right and what is wrong anymore. I have been struggling with falling into old drinking habits and I have also been struggling to keep healthy relationships in my life because I feel like I haven't been able to love myself. I feel like I can't love someone completely because I am nowhere close to loving myself right now. I am nowhere near ready for commitment. I have been staying up all night and I have been sleeping all day. I can't sleep at night no matter how hard I try. I procrastinate with everything that is important. God I am so sorry that I have not reached out to you in a long time. I have been struggling. I do not like the person I am right now. I actually hate the person I am right now. I'm so sorry that I have not been letting you take control of my life and I'm so sorry that I keep fighting the path you want me to go down. I realize that you don't want me to read your sermon, but you want me to live it. I'm sorry for fighting you. I will tell you, 2020 has been close to the worst year of my life. A friend passed away, I lost someone I loved, I lost myself, I lost friends, the whole world went into a dang pandemic, I tried to force a relationship that just wasn't there anymore. I took the time to move back home and I realized I probably should've stayed home. I asked you to guide me and I fought the feeling and decided to move back to Mississippi and I'm so sorry about that. I am happy here, I love it here. I knew I should've stayed home though. God, I'm lost and I'm hurting. I have inner demons that literally destroy me and I can't figure out how to fight them. I feel so weak and I'm tired. I wish I could tell you my exact feelings. I wish I could explain to you exactly how I feel but I can't even put words to it. I can't tell you what's causing this because I don't even know. God, I just ask you to forgive my mistakes that I've made these past 5 months, I ask you to heal the people I've hurt, I ask you to forgive me for not trusting you. God, please guide me in the right direction and please give me the strength to fight through any battle that I face ahead of me. I pray that you give me the strength to love myself so much and to be able to love another person to the ends of this earth. Please allow me to have a successful semester and lead me in the direction that I am truly supposed to go. God, I pray that you heal the sick in my family right now. I pray you give my family that was diagnosed with cancer this month to have the strength and faith to get through it. I pray you protect them and you watch over them. I pray you give us strength as we go through the process with them. God, please be there for anyone struggling. Please be there for other families that have sickness and struggles. I pray you protect people from this pandemic and you heal the world from all the hurt and hate.. Thank you for never giving up on me when I hit rock bottom. Thank you for never giving up on me when you saw me at my worst.

xoxo,

Tay