Growing up, I knew I was a perfectionist. I strived to do the best work possible in school and wouldn’t let myself settle for anything less than a perfect grade. Of course, I didn’t always get perfect grades, and while it would upset me, I would get over it, and would adjust for the next time (aka, work harder, if that was even possible).

Other than my perfectionism, which in all honesty I tended to see as a positive tendency, I felt that I was 100% mentally healthy. I did not suffer from depression or anxiety, I didn’t have any eating disorders, I wasn’t bipolar. Yes, I had trouble making decisions, but that didn’t seem like a big issue.

Flash forward to now, and I see that my mental health has not always been what I may expect it to be. This past fall when I was job searching, but otherwise did not have much to do during my days, I found myself feeling down quite a bit. I’d get bored, and soon enough that would lead me to feel unmotivated to do anything to get myself out of the boredom.

You may think, well, this sounds like depression. I recognize now that yes, I was struggling with small bouts of depression. In reality, throughout my life, particularly since entering college, I’ve experienced these bouts. Nothing so serious that I would be holed up in my room, not wishing to talk to people for days on end. But enough that I’d feel sad and wouldn’t know how to get out it, and my parents could tell that my mood had gone south.

I think the fact that it was never severe depression allowed it to come up every now and again without me realizing that there was something I could do about it. At first, I thought it was just part of my everyday life, and that I was just going to have to learn how to cope. That’s not how I feel now- instead, I recognize that I need help, and I want to find it.

I’ve learned that I struggle when I don’t have a lot of stimulation. For some people, sitting around on the couch all day is wonderful, but for me, after several hours, I get restless and then blame myself for not doing something more with my day (even if I really just needed a day of rest).

I can spiral into a bad mood, losing all motivation, seemingly out of nowhere. This is the worst of all, because there is not a specific event that occurred, at least that I can tell, that has put me in this foul mood. And that makes it even harder to imagine getting out of it.

And that decision-making problem also rears its ugly head a lot. I tend to postulate endlessly over what should be a minor decision, because I tend to project into the future, and worry that I will blame myself if I make the wrong decision or regret my decision after the fact. My mood tends to go sour during these times as well, because I get upset at myself for not being able to decide easily.

These are all things I’ve learned and recognize in myself now. I am proud that I recognize them, and that I am consciously working to change them. At the same time, it is hard for me to accept these things about myself. As I said, growing up I felt that I was a mentally healthy person. Now, at 22, I’m realizing that I suffer from mental health issues, as many people do.

Fortunately, I am still willing (even eager) to accept help for them, but I do have to push away those thoughts every now and then that tell me that something is wrong with me, that I shouldn’t have these mental health problems.

That’s when I tell myself, that yes, I did have a great childhood, I have a great family, and that my life circumstances have gone in my favor. And despite this, I can still develop mental health problems. Despite any circumstances, people develop mental health problems. There are other factors at work here, and I do not need to blame myself or anyone else for these issues.

The important piece is recognizing that I have these problems, knowing that there is help out there, and that I have the power when it comes to obtaining that help.

No, my mind is not full of butterflies and rainbows. But it is full of hope that I will learn and develop strategies to keep my mind in a positive place when depression is threatening to bring it down.