Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a doctor. My family has always seemed to have some major medical malfunction, from serious car accidents to heart surgery to cancer. As scary and unfortunate as it sounds, I visited the hospital all the time. But in some strange way, I sort of loved it.
I loved the action, all the beeping monitors, the sterile smell of the blue nurses gloves, and the rubbery noise they would make. Blood didn't scare me. As much as I hated giving it, it fascinated me. Even my favorite shows revolved around hospitals and doctor's offices. "Untold Stories of the E.R." was my absolute favorite. The one that is forever ingrained in my mind was where one lady was shoving worms in her skin (sorry, little graphic), and they pulled dozens of earth worms from her arms. How sick but so stinkin' cool?
I wish I could tell you that I'm pursuing that dream as you're reading this and I'm on my way to cure cancer, but I'm not.
I have a problem with controlling things. It's actually gotten so severe that I've started experiencing anxiety like symptoms for the last couple years. But it just really freaks me out and makes my stomach twist and turn when things don't go as planned. I often find myself having little pep-talks in my head:
"You're OK, it didn't go your way and that's OK. You don't needto worry."
As I got to college and had to start thinking, acting, speaking, and living on my own, that anxiety only got worse. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me, "What are you going to do with your life?" I could have all four years of tuition paid off (and let me just tell you that I attend a private university so it's a lot)...seriously.
As senior year came to an end, my mind started to change. What was I going to do? Would I even like being a doctor? If so, what kind would I be? When I started signing up for classes for the fall of my first semester of classes, I had done a complete 259 (yes, I know it's 180 but my change was far more drastic than that). I signed up to be Sociolcultural with an emphasis in Urban and Global missions. What was I planning on doing with that? Good question.
My first semester wasn't too bad at all. My classes were challenging but not so bad that I wanted to quit, but it just didn't seem right. So, for second semester I changed again. I tried out the Biology track and failed miserably. I'm not even going to lie to you, I hated it. It was a lot more work than I was willing to put in and kids much smarter than me were struggling. Halfway through second semester, I changed my major again.
So now, I'm a psychology major. Don't ask me how I got to this place or why I chose this path because I don't know. I couldn't tell you when I decided I wanted to become a psychologist (if that's even the track I stay with) or what encouraged me to get there. All I know is I prayed a lot, took a lot of wrong turns, and finally let God lead me to where He found best.
So here's my point in all of this: if you're an incoming freshman or already in college and you feel the pressure to make a decision, don't do it. It's OK to not always have it together. It's OK to take wrong turns and get off your path. You couldn't possibly know the plan God has for your life, so don't pretend you do or spend hours upon hours contemplating it. Enjoy the path God has you on now because He is subject to change it at any given point. Take things away, give you new, replace the old, really anything.
I wish someone would have given me the "OK" to be a little bit of a mess my first year, so here is mine to you. Go be a mess. A beautiful mess of finding out what you love, who you love, and who you are meant to be.
