This past week, I finally got myself to do something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now: change my major. It may not seem like that big a deal to just anyone, but it is to me. It was not easy. There were a lot of sleepless nights and bouts of contemplating that went into my venture. But I have to say it was worth it.

For anyone that knows me well, they know I am highly prone to panic. I get very anxious under circumstances that most people wouldn’t. So from late in the month of March up until early this month, I was having what one might call an existential crisis. I’ve been there before, but it’d never been this bad. When I don’t know who I am, I feel as though there’s no point at all. I start to question why I’m here and what I have to live for. This tends to send me into major depression. I lose my motivation. I either don’t eat at all or I overeat. I either sleep too much or too little. It all looks and feels useless and pointless.

I can tolerate a profusion of things. My mental and emotional pain threshold is inhumanly high. I can deal with a tremendous workload (even though I know I complain about it a lot.) I can deal with a dysfunctional family. I can deal with friends stabbing me in the back. But my limit is when I start to think none of it is even worth it anymore. If I’m not successful in life, what’s the point? What’s the point of it all if I don’t turn out to be somebody in the end? If I don’t leave my mark on this planet and do what I was sent here or intended to do? There is nothing I fear more than failure. There is nothing I fear more than being inadequate. There is nothing I fear more than not amounting to anything in life. There is nothing that saddens me more than losing my sense of purpose.

If I am faced with adversity, I find solace and purpose in knowing that I can overcome it. When friends or family or life are giving me a hard time, I know I can fight it. But I cannot fight the feeling of fear that emanates when I doubt myself and think none of it is even worth the fight in the realization that my success is not promised. At least not alone. Thus I took the weekend off and gave my future a lot of thought. Just like anything else, I knew I could overcome this.

I was stressing out myself and my friends over this. I was probably more of a nuisance to them than I was to me (I’m sorry, guys – but thank you so much, I could’ve have done it without you.) I felt even worse about being such an annoying, needy human being who constantly seeks reassurance. But because I am surrounded by people that love me and care about my wellbeing, I was able to see clarity and follow my instincts. I am truly lucky to be in the vicinity of the people that have been supportive of me through this, even my family – whom I expected to look at me in contempt for not conforming to the ideals of our culture.

With their help and my sinuous but raging stream of thoughts that never seems to shut off, I got to campus earlier than usual one day and took initiative like I never had before and demanded for things to be done. I must have walked across from Levermore to Harvey at least three times that day but it didn’t matter. I spoke to everyone I needed to. I submitted that form. I even met with my new adviser, who gave me the exact kind of help and guidance I needed in college that I’d never quite been given before. I quickly learned just how kind everyone in my new department is and knew I made the right choice. I finally felt like I was in my element and right where I belonged.

It was on the shuttle while I was going home after what I presumed to be a productive and phenomenal day at last that this petrifying revelation kicked in. What had I done? I considered all of the things I potentially could’ve been if I had stayed as a com major. Maybe I’d be on the path to becoming a creative filmmaker, or an astute journalist. Now I’ll be none of those things.

But that’s not true.

I wish I were one of those people that are certain of what they want to do for the rest of their lives, but I’m not one of those people. I change my mind a lot. I’m easily dissatisfied. And I’m never content with anything. But who’s to say that I can’t change my mind all the time, that I have to settle for something that doesn’t satisfy me completely, that I have to remain discontented? Why can’t I be any – or better yet, all – of those things? I can be. I already am a lot of things. In fact, I will probably be one of those people that need several career changes in life because I simply cannot stay in one place or do one thing for too long. I get bored. I grow uninterested. I become jaded.

I know I can’t be the only one, either. According to Career Services at the University of La Verne, “50% – 70% of students change their majors at least once, most will change majors at least 3 times before they graduate.”

So what if I’m indecisive? My life is not a static progression with a fixed or predetermined set of notions. I don’t know how to be stagnant. I’ve never been stagnant. I don’t wantto be stagnant. I want to always be moving, always expanding, always evolving, always growing. I like to wander, to explore, to drift. From thing after thing after thing after thing.

It is an endless cycle of repeatedly having to tell myself that I am going to be successful no matter what I do, as long as I set my mind on it and work hard. I am apathetic and nonchalant towards a lot of things, but the things I am passionate about are causes and subjects I will die for.

I think in one way or another, everyone wants to change the world and there are more means than one by which to do that. I don’t have to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer. Maybe I’ll write. Maybe I’ll educate. Maybe I’ll reach out to someone out there and change their lives. For me, that’s enough. Enough to know that I won’t be a disappointment to myself and to others and that I will be adequate and someone/something amazing and important in life. That’s all I want out of life: purpose. To know that I did something meaningful with all my time on this earth.

Yes, I’m still young. No, I’m not obligated to have it all figured it out now. But even though part of me enjoys the whimsicalities of life, there is also a certain comfort that is sought in sureness and security and going through with something and knowing it’s the right thing to do. I don’t ever want to not know my reason for being in this life. I want to know why I am and know that it’s amazing.

Most of us don’t know who we are, but maybe that’s the point of life: to figure it out. I still don’t know who I am. Maybe I’m not supposed to yet. Most college students don’t. But someday I will. I can’t wait for that day. I can’t wait for the day I look back at my life and say “it was all worth it.”