By the time I had listened to Lorde’s debut album, "Pure Heroine," in its entirety, it was already a couple of years after the single "Royals" had made the then 16-year-old singer a household name. There was something simultaneously familiar and enchanting about the portrait of adolescence Lorde painted with her transcendent lyrics.
During my gap year though, I stopped listening to "Pure Heroine" through no fault of the album itself. I wasn’t in a mental space healthy enough to listen to an album that reminded me so viscerally of high school, both because I had listened to the album obsessively during my senior year, and because the songs themselves were suffused with teenage angst.
When I first watched the music video for “Green Light” this February, I couldn’t seem to absorb it quickly enough. Lyrics like “she thinks you love the beach/ you’re such a damn liar” and “well those rumors, they have big teeth/ hope they bite you” swam around and around my head. How could Lorde so perfectly encapsulate the achy confidence of deciding to heal from heartbreak? I suddenly felt starved of the rest of the album. June could not come quickly enough.
The rest of "Melodrama" did not disappoint. Whereas "Pure Heroine" thrummed with the restlessness of early adolescence, "Melodrama" was cynical and wistful while also optimistic. In other words, where "Pure Heroine" encapsulated the idealized adolescence I wish I had, "Melodrama" was the messy and confusing adulthood I have only begun to understand. It was clear that while Lorde may no longer be the carefree girl she once was, she still holds that youth and hope close to her, even through the traumas of heartbreak and growing up.
Since I first listened to and identified with songs like “Ribs” and “A World Alone,” I’ve changed. A lot. I’ve gotten out of a rather unhealthy romantic relationship and graduated high school. I’ve learned more about who I am and what I want to do with my life. But while I might have learned a little bit more about myself, I still don’t really know who I am.
"Melodrama" came at just the right time for me. I had just moved out of my childhood home into an apartment in New York City. The transition was rocky. I felt sad, anxious, and scared. Who knew what the future would hold? When would I begin to feel like I was actually an adult instead of a small child playing dress-up? Lorde reminded me that while I may not have all the answers, it’s not like anybody else does, either.
