During my last year of college I partook in my sorority's "secret senior." Every month I would receive a gift from an anonymous sister within the sorority. To my surprise I was less than thrilled to have received a notebook. It was black and had intricate carvings all around it, similar to the style of the friend who gave it to me. I thought it was a somewhat mindful gift because it was such a her thing to give. But, you couldn’t blame me when I felt a pang of envy when receiving this. All across the room sisters were getting zip ups with their sames stitched on them, bottles of booze and even a basket full of dog toys for a sister's new pup. Little did I know my black notebook would become more sentimental to me than a pair of letters that I had less than a semester left to wear or chachki's that I would sell at a garage sale. It opened my eyes up to a passion I always had, but never realized.
I graduated college with Bachelor's in English along with a Human Resources minor. The major came from my original plan, to become a special education high school teacher that had a focus on English. However, with a changed mindset I thought Human Resources was the way to go. In the midst of going full force with HR, my mind went back and forth to change my major to business. I figured it would be easier to get a job and show that I was more business driven, but my heart felt differently.
Here I am a year later, with a Human Resources position. I don't exactly feel fulfilled either. But, what keeps me going is my black notebook, the one I was indifferent to receive. I have been writing in it effortlessly since May of last year, and it's opened my eyes to incredible opportunities and made me realize different things about myself.
Point and blank, without my sister blindly guiding my way by giving me a notebook, I would have never realized my genuine passion for English. As an English major I found it necessary to connect with mandatory readings, but didn't find a zest or interest in them. They were mundane and ordinary for me, just like any other homework. I never found myself thrilled to be assigned a seven page essay or read and dissect Shakespeare's work. I figured sitting through the class would help me teach it at a slower pace to my future students. A year later, I journal almost every week and have a poetry Instagram, @pozzipoetry. Without my black book, I wouldn't have realized the true genuineness of a free write. I enjoy not having boundaries and I love to be creative. During college, it was hard for me to connect writing as a pathway to express myself the way I wanted to. I was far too occupied with having college fun. Now I have matured and truly realize nothing is quite as savory as going to the gym taking a nice shower and writing. I journal, free verse, write poetry, goals, intentions, spiritual messages, and even have an account with the Odyssey (ironic!).
One of the reasons I went to Adelphi was because of their special education program. I wanted to be a special ed teacher because I needed it from middle school on. They have a great program and if you are elected, you receive a social worker and a tutor to help you through the years. My learning disabilities do not define me, but they are apart of me. I have ADHD alongside processing and retaining troubles. Ironically, the only thing that keeps me focused is writing. It’s hard for me to remember rules and policies within the humdrum of a small quiet office. Writing puts me in a zone and makes me feel energized at the same time. I have yet to find something as electrifying as it.
On the other hand, just because I have found a passion doesn’t mean that I want to do it all the time. Some days it feels achy to write and I don’t feel like putting the time or effort in. I’ve realized this past year that’s when I need to write the most. That’s when it’ll make me feel the best about myself. I’m so attached to it that when I don’t feel like doing it I feel emotionally hungover, and even though I know what will make me feel better, I still don’t want to take care of myself. But when I do the traction of paper to pen, it is fastly magnetic.
