College is the time in your life when you find yourself. It's about gaining independence, and learning to do the things you want and love on your own. You can't have your hand held for the rest of your life -- that's just not the way it works.
As a person who hates doing things alone and prefers the company of others, I can say this task is easier said than done. I've always been the one to ask a friend to go along with me; whether it was to grab food, go to the gym, or run to the store to buy something. I don't like doing things alone -- I never have. And that's something I need to get over.
I guess you can call it a social anxiety. Always having a fear that I'll somehow do something wrong, or mess up whatever good thing is thrown my way. Having a backup person there with me is usually what gets me through it. I always think that "as long as I have this person's company, I won't have anything to worry about." As long as I'm talking to someone, I won't look like a loner, or an outsider.
After my first semester of college, I've found that sometimes people would be there to do things with me, and sometimes they wouldn't. Everyone's schedules are different, and people are busy. So I found myself skipping meals or going to the vending machines when no one was free to go to the dining hall. I would stay in on weekend nights even though I really wanted to go out because everyone I knew wanted to stay in. I waited until someone else needed to go on a Walmart run to head up there and get whatever I needed.
In short, I did things on other people's time. I ate when they wanted to eat, I worked out when they felt like going to the gym, I went downtown when they were feeling up to it. And to be quite honest, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of asking someone to go to the dining hall and waiting an hour for them to be ready. I'm sick of skipping the gym because my gym partner is too tired and bails on me. I'm sick of going downtown later than I want to because my friend is always running late. Now I'm doing things on my own time because this semester is about me.
One morning, I found myself in a predicament. My roommate and I planned to go to the gym, and when she decided she didn't want to anymore I said fuck it, I'll just go alone. Something a year ago, I never would have done. I made my way to the other side of campus, and proceeded to have one of the nicest workouts I've had in a while. And then I realized -- I don't need someone to go with me. In fact, I found myself enjoying it more when I was alone, when I wasn't feeling rushed and doing only exercises someone else wanted to do.
And then before class I found myself sitting alone outside in some of the most beautiful weather we've had here in awhile, and it was refreshing, invigorating even. And so in between classes, I did it again. During this time, I was able to reflect on myself, on my decisions, on my future. I decided from then on, to do my own thing. To stop waiting for people to want to do things with me.
This is my time, my life, and my independence. Moving forward, I know I can't keep holding back on myself for the sake of others. This is my time to shine, to grow, to become whoever it is I'm meant to be. And I can never fully do that if I'm relying on other people for everything. I can never figure out what is it I want in life if I'm tagging along on other people's paths. For someone like me who doesn't really enjoy alone time, I know this isn't going to be easy. I know I'm going to have to force myself to branch out on my own to achieve the things I'm aiming for. But you know what, that's life, and sure it'll have bumps along the way -- awkward encounters, anxious feelings, and regrets here and there.
Despite all that, I know in the end I'll come out a better person. I'll no longer be the shadow to someone else's star or the "puppy dog" seemingly following the leader around. I'll finally be my own person, and that's something I've wanted for awhile. I've just ever found the courage to stand up and do it. But things are different now and I know what I need to do.
One of my deepest fears is loneliness and I think that's why I'm so afraid to do things by myself. The feeling when I'm with people is what makes me happy, and when that feeling is gone, I sometimes find myself stuck in my own head, over thinking all my relationships, trying to figure out if people think negative of me. My brain is wired to do that. It comes up with the worse scenario and puts me in a place where I always think I've done wrong and messed up whatever good thing I had going. I won't lie, it's really hard to be wired to think that way. And most people don't understand it.
As I move forward in my college career and in my life, I'm working harder than ever to overcome these things-to be able to do simple things without worrying so much about unrealistic outcomes. It's going to take time, that I know, but at least I can say I'm trying. Trying to branch out, trying to do my own thing, trying to be independent. And as scared as I am, I know this is something I can't avoid if I'm ever going to be truly happy.
So to everyone out there who identifies with me, take a leap of faith. Don't let anything hold you back from what you really want. Because if you do, you'll end up with more regrets then if you glide along and play it safe your whole life.
