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My Life as an English Major

I survive on coffee, classics, and comfy sweaters

Kasey Kirchner

Sep 18, 2016

Butler University

Pexels

I've only been an English major for a little longer than a year, but here are a few reasons why I know, in my heart, that I'm right where I belong.

1. Books are my life. I become personally attached to them, and sometimes I just buy them to hold.

2. I spend a great majority of my life within the walls of various coffee shops.

3. I don't have to study for tests, but I do spend 23 hours of the day reading literature and the other hour analyzing what I just read.

4. When I visit a new city, the first thing I want to see is their independent bookstore. If they don't have one, I will leave that city.

5. If I make a grammar or spelling mistake in a paper, I feel like a complete and utter failure that doesn't deserve anything but darkness.

6. I'm picky about my pens.

7. I must have a notebook with me at all times. Otherwise, I feel naked and scared and alone.

8. No, I don't want to become a teacher.

9. No, I'm also not sure what I want to do with that yet.

10. I get very sad if my books get bent in my backpack, and I try to mend the wound by piling my other books on top of them.

11. I go back and forth between pretending I'm being interviewed about my latest novel and staring at my laptop thinking that I have no talent or skill or prospects or future.

12. When my friends use the wrong form of a word, I briefly consider terminating my friendship with them because I don't know how much more pain I can endure.

13. I feel outrageously inferior to my peers when they bring up a book I've never read.

14. I want to create a device that will transport knowledge so that I can know all that my professors know because they are brilliant and I am not.

15. I do not enjoy math.

16. I like coffee. Too much.

17. I feel a great sense of pride when a professor brings up a book in class and I nod my head because I've read it.

18. I do not rent books. I shall not rent books. Unless it's more than $20. Then I shall rent the book.

19. I chose to take Latin because I want to learn about words.

20. If you ask me to proofread your paper, there is a good chance I'll hand you a completely new paper when I'm finished.

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My Life as an English Major

I survive on coffee, classics, and comfy sweaters

1. Books are my life. I become personally attached to them, and sometimes I just buy them to hold.

2. I spend a great majority of my life within the walls of various coffee shops.

3. I don't have to study for tests, but I do spend 23 hours of the day reading literature and the other hour analyzing what I just read.

4. When I visit a new city, the first thing I want to see is their independent bookstore. If they don't have one, I will leave that city.

5. If I make a grammar or spelling mistake in a paper, I feel like a complete and utter failure that doesn't deserve anything but darkness.

6. I'm picky about my pens.

7. I must have a notebook with me at all times. Otherwise, I feel naked and scared and alone.

8. No, I don't want to become a teacher.

9. No, I'm also not sure what I want to do with that yet.

10. I get very sad if my books get bent in my backpack, and I try to mend the wound by piling my other books on top of them.

11. I go back and forth between pretending I'm being interviewed about my latest novel and staring at my laptop thinking that I have no talent or skill or prospects or future.

12. When my friends use the wrong form of a word, I briefly consider terminating my friendship with them because I don't know how much more pain I can endure.

13. I feel outrageously inferior to my peers when they bring up a book I've never read.

14. I want to create a device that will transport knowledge so that I can know all that my professors know because they are brilliant and I am not.

15. I do not enjoy math.

16. I like coffee. Too much.

17. I feel a great sense of pride when a professor brings up a book in class and I nod my head because I've read it.

18. I do not rent books. I shall not rent books. Unless it's more than $20. Then I shall rent the book.

19. I chose to take Latin because I want to learn about words.

20. If you ask me to proofread your paper, there is a good chance I'll hand you a completely new paper when I'm finished.

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The holiday classics that shaped my life

1."But what would happen if we all tried to be like Santa and learned to give as only he can give: of ourselves, our talents, our love and our hearts? Maybe we could all learn Santa's beautiful lesson and maybe there would finally be peace on Earth and good will toward men."

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1. Why are towels considered dirty when you get out of the shower clean?

2. Who closes the bus door once the bus driver gets off?

3. Why is there a "d" in "fridge" but not in "refrigerator"?

4. If you drop soap on the floor is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

5. Is the "S" or the "C" silent in the word "scent"?

6. Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

7. Would Lightning McQueen buy car insurance or life insurance?

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9. What color are mirrors?

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12. If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, are your pants tucked into your shirt?

13. Why is it called "quick sand" if you sink slowly in it?

14. If I try to fail, but succeed, which one did I do?

15. If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?

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