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My Life as an English Major

I survive on coffee, classics, and comfy sweaters

Kasey Kirchner

Sep 18, 2016

Butler University

Pexels

I've only been an English major for a little longer than a year, but here are a few reasons why I know, in my heart, that I'm right where I belong.

1. Books are my life. I become personally attached to them, and sometimes I just buy them to hold.

2. I spend a great majority of my life within the walls of various coffee shops.

3. I don't have to study for tests, but I do spend 23 hours of the day reading literature and the other hour analyzing what I just read.

4. When I visit a new city, the first thing I want to see is their independent bookstore. If they don't have one, I will leave that city.

5. If I make a grammar or spelling mistake in a paper, I feel like a complete and utter failure that doesn't deserve anything but darkness.

6. I'm picky about my pens.

7. I must have a notebook with me at all times. Otherwise, I feel naked and scared and alone.

8. No, I don't want to become a teacher.

9. No, I'm also not sure what I want to do with that yet.

10. I get very sad if my books get bent in my backpack, and I try to mend the wound by piling my other books on top of them.

11. I go back and forth between pretending I'm being interviewed about my latest novel and staring at my laptop thinking that I have no talent or skill or prospects or future.

12. When my friends use the wrong form of a word, I briefly consider terminating my friendship with them because I don't know how much more pain I can endure.

13. I feel outrageously inferior to my peers when they bring up a book I've never read.

14. I want to create a device that will transport knowledge so that I can know all that my professors know because they are brilliant and I am not.

15. I do not enjoy math.

16. I like coffee. Too much.

17. I feel a great sense of pride when a professor brings up a book in class and I nod my head because I've read it.

18. I do not rent books. I shall not rent books. Unless it's more than $20. Then I shall rent the book.

19. I chose to take Latin because I want to learn about words.

20. If you ask me to proofread your paper, there is a good chance I'll hand you a completely new paper when I'm finished.

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My Life as an English Major

I survive on coffee, classics, and comfy sweaters

1. Books are my life. I become personally attached to them, and sometimes I just buy them to hold.

2. I spend a great majority of my life within the walls of various coffee shops.

3. I don't have to study for tests, but I do spend 23 hours of the day reading literature and the other hour analyzing what I just read.

4. When I visit a new city, the first thing I want to see is their independent bookstore. If they don't have one, I will leave that city.

5. If I make a grammar or spelling mistake in a paper, I feel like a complete and utter failure that doesn't deserve anything but darkness.

6. I'm picky about my pens.

7. I must have a notebook with me at all times. Otherwise, I feel naked and scared and alone.

8. No, I don't want to become a teacher.

9. No, I'm also not sure what I want to do with that yet.

10. I get very sad if my books get bent in my backpack, and I try to mend the wound by piling my other books on top of them.

11. I go back and forth between pretending I'm being interviewed about my latest novel and staring at my laptop thinking that I have no talent or skill or prospects or future.

12. When my friends use the wrong form of a word, I briefly consider terminating my friendship with them because I don't know how much more pain I can endure.

13. I feel outrageously inferior to my peers when they bring up a book I've never read.

14. I want to create a device that will transport knowledge so that I can know all that my professors know because they are brilliant and I am not.

15. I do not enjoy math.

16. I like coffee. Too much.

17. I feel a great sense of pride when a professor brings up a book in class and I nod my head because I've read it.

18. I do not rent books. I shall not rent books. Unless it's more than $20. Then I shall rent the book.

19. I chose to take Latin because I want to learn about words.

20. If you ask me to proofread your paper, there is a good chance I'll hand you a completely new paper when I'm finished.

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This isn't just for the single Pringles out there either, folks

Run Around Clanging Pots and Pans in Everyone's Face

Eat the Last Few Pigs in a Blanket

Pop Twelve White Grapes

Burn Something

Smash Things Against a Wall

Spontaneously Begin an Irish Jig

Call Your Mother

Throw a Coffee Table Out a Window

Sing "Auld Lang Syne" at the Top of Your Lungs

Do Some Squats

Swan Dive into a Nearly Freezing Body of Water

Take a Shot

Time to be merry and bright.

"First Noel" by Leslie Odom, Jr

"A Holly Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Kelly Clarkson

"All I Want for Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey

"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home" by Michael Buble

"Last Christmas" by Taylor Swift

"The Christmas Song" by Josh Groban

"White Christmas" by Idina Menzel

"O Holy Night" by David Archuleta

"Believe" by Josh Groban

"Les cloches du hameau" by Celine Dion

Or at least try to do.

1. I will wake up (sorta) on time for class.

2. I will look decent for class.

3. I will go to the gym more.

4. I will go to the library and study more.

5. I will meet new people.

For those long nights that turn into mornings when the struggle is real.

1. Walk in motivated and ready to rock

2. Disappointed you let it get this bad

3. Distracted: When a 10-Minute Break Becomes an Hour

4. When the Yearning for Sleep Sneaks Up

5. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore "Coffee, Coffee, Coffee"

Oh, so done.

You need sleep, but also have 13 things due in the span of 4 days.

1. When it's December 1 and you have seven things due, three exams, and haven't slept in three days.

2. So you stress.

3. And cry.

4. Then call your mom to cry some more.

5. After the pep talk, you feel determined to get everything done.

6. But, now you're tired.

7. And really hungry.

8. Suddenly, it's 2 a.m. and you have only written three sentences and your paper is due in the morning.

9. You've made it to Friday... somehow.

10. Then Sunday hits and you find yourself back at the Lib.

11. So you cry some more.

12. But, you fight through the tears to get everything done because you're determined.

13. In the end, you feel on top of the world because you made it through the last week of class alive.

14. But, now it's finals week so good luck.

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