"Sarah," my friend says from across the group of twelve girls in our camp bible study, "How did you become so confident?"
The words struck my heart like a bullet flying at full force. Without thinking, I gave the response that I usually give everyone who asks me the foreign question, "with a pair of black stilettos." The room erupted with laughter as I searched for answers in myself, how could anyone see confidence in me?
It is something that we all struggle with. Some of us never find it. For others, it takes many years. It's something that I'm searching for, and have been searching for a very long time. Confidence.
Everyday I look in the mirror, point out my flaws, and cover them with layers of makeup. I change my clothes time after time because I don't feel comfortable in my body. I write, and rewrite for hours, most of the time wasted as I end up throwing so much of my work into the trash because it's not good enough. I try to perfect my walk, perfect my talk, buy new heels, wear more makeup, or cut my hair a certain way, so that others can see a beautiful, confident person. The person that I didn't see. I try so hard to block out the words and thoughts running through my mind. "You're not good enough."
More thoughts said, "You're too ugly, too fat, too skinny. You wear too much makeup, not enough makeup. No one would ever want to date a girl with short hair, with a loud voice, with yellow teeth, with conflicting opinions. You're not good enough. You're disgusting, awkward, sweaty, too dumb, too smart. You can't spell, can't talk. You're weird and you're not good enough. Can you believe what you just did? You're so weird! No one would ever like you. Why do you think you can act? You can't. Do you actually believe you're a good poet? Think again. Just face it, you're not good enough."
The words echoed throughout my mind, and sometimes I believed them. I hated myself. I was appalled by myself. Every time I didn't land the role I wanted in the play, someone didn't respond well to my poetry, or someone said something negative to me I would beat myself up. I became so insecure with myself that I didn't want to open my mouth. I was fragile, weak, and my biggest bully. I didn't want to stand on a stage where I knew I would be criticized harshly by some. I surrounded myself with friends that couldn't care less in order to be secure. I surrounded myself with guys, some that didn't care about me, in order to feel secure. I longed for Instagram likes and Twitter retweets to feel loved. I searched and yearned for security, for the confidence missing in my life. For something to make me feel like I belonged. I went through many years, many failed friendships, many nights crying in the shower—wanting so badly to feel confident. To feel beautiful. To feel like I belonged. I was scared, stressed, and insecure—when that's where it struck me.
Words I had heard in church and on the radio time and time again, now becoming so clear to me. It was like God was actually talking to me face to face. I'm not sure when it hit me, or if the words came at me at once. Maybe I was sitting on a pew on a Sunday morning, or driving home listening to NF, or if I was rereading a poem I had written. It doesn't matter where I was or when the words struck my heart, what actually matters is what He said to me, the words echoing,
"You are good enough. I sculpted you with my own hands. I know everything about you. I love you so much. It breaks my heart when you don't see the beauty that I see, that I created. Sarah, You belong. I know that you may feel alone sometimes, that no one cares, but I made all of this for you. To show you how much I love you. The stars are my love song to you. You are made in my own image, you are beautiful. The gifts I gave you are uniquely designed for you. And with me, you will accomplish much more than you could ever imagine. You are so much more than good enough."
These were the words I was searching and longing for, but could never seem to find. It was the security I wanted, to know that someone loved me so much, someone thought I was so beautiful that they would want to know everything about me, that they would create an entire collection of 66 books, just to give me instructions, clarity, security, confidence, and reassured love. It's the comfort I needed as I sat by myself before rehearsals, the encouragement I longed for as I spent hours writing and reading and rewriting, the shoulder that was absent when I was heartbroken and upset because I felt that I failed.
God cares. The words make my heart flutter. God actually cares about me. He cares about a broken, insecure, imperfect, stubborn, lost, confused girl. He wants me to feel loved, to feel confident, to feel secure through Him. Even though this world tells me that I am nothing more than a grain of sand at the bottom of an ocean, God thinks of me so much more than that. He thinks of us as His sons and His daughters. The most loved beings on the earth. The ones that He holds in His arms. The ones that He picks up, dusts off, and sends back out to the playground.
My confidence could only come from God. Of course, there are still things that I struggle with, but that I will struggle with a little less because I know that I am designed by the hands of God. You are molded by His hands, like clay, He worked for hours, days, nine months, to create you. He sculpted you. He spent time on the gifts that He gave you. He absolutely loves you. Every single curve, edge, and imperfection. God wants you to love yourself, to feel confident with what He has given to you, to stop comparing yourself to the teacher down the hallway, the actor in your cast, the buff guy at the gym, the vegan, gluten and dairy-free girl with an eight pack, the supermodel on the cover of a magazine at the grocery store, your sister, friend, brother, cousin. He wants you to love the way He has made you. Because you are beautiful. You are loved. Talented. Unique. Smart. Stylish. Strong. Funny. Kind. Breathtaking. You are good enough. So, put your head up, shoulders back, take a deep breath, speak your heart, and go and accomplish much more than you could ever imagine with the one that gave you all of it: God.
