Ever since I was little I looked for other’s approval.
I would shut down when someone was disappointed, cruel, judgmental or anything but wonderfully happy with me. I always looked inward, instead of the possibility that the problem was outside.
Recommended for you
The toxicity was seeping into my life, but instead I believed that my being was poisoning the people around me.
It made me devalue anything of substance. I valued the clothes on the rack and in the magazines, while despising the ones that were on my back. While sitting in class, I would constantly worry that the way I was, the way I talked and even the way I sat was drawing attention to my every flaw. It consumed my mind and my world.
It has taken until NOW, this year, these past few moments in all my twenty years of existence, that has shown me how much time I wasted on the outward aspects of my life, instead of championing what was already in me all along.
I now can walk around with my head held high, valuing all the things that I once deemed insignificant and unimportant.
I now can sit in a class and say words of importance and meaning, instead of worrying if I sounded “too dumb” or worse, “too smart”.
Because there is no such thing.
No one can be too smart.
We are learning all the time.
Intelligence is not something we ever have too much of.
Intellect is not something that we should ever brush off, in fear of making us seem anything other than pretty and acceptable.
Of course, there are times where I struggle with the way I outwardly am.
Sometimes that girl from long ago comes out and surprises me with her two friends, anxiety and self-loathing.
I am suddenly pulled back to my 17-year old self and have trouble even meeting my own eyes in the mirror.
Sometimes my anxiety has such a hold on me that the only thing that gets me out the door is the fact that I have towalk outside because of responsibilities I still have in the real world.
But when I am conscious enough and able to step out of my inward self, I list off everything that I value about myself.
Like the fact that I am finally at a school learning about things that excite me and ignite a deep passion for literature and poetry.
And that I have family and friends that surround me and constantly show their love and support for what I am doing with my life.
I have people who show up for me, even when I consider myself unworthy.
I have a deep sense of self appreciation, so much so that I can feel completely alone and still be okay with being in my own presence and not feel the slightest bit lonely.
These are things that resonate and pour out of me when I have enough sense to bring them out and remind myself that I am more than what is outwardly shown to the world. And in fact, my perception is probably so skewed that I may not be half-bad (but don't push it, Christy).
Reminding myself of these things is not easy, and sometimes may take five times in one day just to sleep soundly that night, but I make sure that I do not quit on myself.
Because even though I have spent so much time self-sabotaging into thinking I will never be enough, I have gained enough intellect and have exceeded my own expectations enough times to have some semblance of respect for my own being.
If you are like me, and are still coming to grips with who you are, please don’t think I expect you to take the same route.
I am in no position to place any judgement on what you should do or to give you any ounce of advice.
I actually do not believe in the concept of “advice”.
I believe that we all have enough wisdom and intellect to figure out what we really need from others and ourselves.
But if you are in need of direction, I will give every ounce of my love to you, and follow you in the direction of your choosing.
I am along for the ride.
I trust and respect your most beautiful and vulnerable inward self.
Love,
my deepest, truest inward self.
