I've recently come to terms with the fact that I have a fear. It may be irrational, but it's one that has been developing over the years and has finally revealed itself to me. Oddly enough, it's a fear of wasting time. To many who are reading this, you're probably thinking, "why would a girl who is fortunate enough to attend college and study what she wants, be afraid of wasting time?" Well it's a valid thought, but trust me, I have my reasons.
From a young age, I've always loved writing. I am the type of person that gets excited when there's an essay due in class and will always gladly edit people's papers for them. I always believed that whatever I pursued in life had to be tied into writing. Therefore, I constantly told myself I was bad at science, and I accepted that I wasn't a math person, and went into college thinking I had it all figured out. Recently, I came to a realization that there are people all over the world doing great things with their lives, many related somehow to giving back. It made me think, am I doing the right thing by just studying and planning my life as I believed accordingly?
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This question began to creep on me, and it started to bother me that I may not do anything that worth while in my life time. There's a good chance I will look back when I am 80 years old, and say that I could have done more. There's a chance that I acknowledge the should haves and the would haves, and blatantly regret some decisions I made in my past. This fear may seem petty or absurd, but it's really gotten me thinking.
Am I wasting my time trying to major in something that may not be completely fulfilling at the end of the day? How will I know if this is something I want to put time and effort into? Will I reflect on my years as a young adult and say that I should have achieved more and strived for more? I can't let myself do that. I can't succumb to being just ordinary. Time is flying and I won't let myself run after it when I should really be taking advantage of every moment that's presented to me. The phrase "carpe diem" may seem overused or cliche, but it couldn't be more true. We should all be spending our days as if they were our last. Every day I hear another story of someone that died way too young, and they never got the chance to accomplish all that they had set out for themselves. We should all be striving for greatness and looking to pursue things that bring joy and satisfaction into our lives, so we never have to look back with any regrets.
It scared me that there are people just a couple years older than me across the world, building homes for people who need it and starting non prophets. It frightened me that there are young children who already have successful companies and brands with their names on it. I wonder if what I do will ever amount to what all these brilliant, kind hearted people have devoted their lives to doing. I'm not so sure I want to be a writer anymore unless it's changing people's lives or being used for a good cause. I may sound dramatic, but I would really hate to look back and say I had so much potential, but never did anything with it.
I am aware that I'm only 18 years old and theres G-d willing a lot of life ahead of me, but I hope that I am constantly devoting my life to doing something worth while and meaningful. I can only hope that everyone that reads this feels like they are capable of this lifestyle of achieving greatness everyday.
I still fear that I'm wasting my time when I find myself doing mindless school work or I am mid conversation discussing topics that lack substance...but I think we should all keep in mind that we are lucky enough to be granted another day to do life the right way, and it's up to us to make sure we don't waste it.
