Amanda was an average college freshman going to a party with some friends. What she didn’t know was that her whole life was about to change forever. Amanda was sexually assaulted that night and bravely decided to report it. Here's her story.
Q: What happened before you were assaulted?
A: I was just dancing and having fun with my girlfriends at this party. I had been drinking, but everyone there was. It’s not like I was more drunk than everyone there. I was outside with one of my friends when my soon-to-be offender walked up to me telling me that he needed to talk to me about something. He led me to a dark and secluded part of the property, even though I was stumbling, clearly not in any condition to be walking through a dark wooded area.
Q: At what point did you realize that something was wrong?
A: He kept pressuring me to have sex with him, and I continuously denied his request. I told him that I had a boyfriend, and he told me that my boyfriend didn’t have to know. I kept trying to walk away from him but he had too strong of a grip on my wrist. I think that’s when I knew I was in trouble.
Q: What were your emotions at that time?
A: I was a people-pleaser, so I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even my offender’s. I was drunk and trying really hard to focus on what I should do, but I went numb. All I could say was "no" and keep trying to tug. I didn’t think to scream because that’s not the kind of person I am. I was also in foreign territory and didn’t want to draw extra attention to what was happening. I was just confused and frightened so much that I went into a numbing sense of shock.
Q: What were your emotions like after the assault?
A: I knew that what had just happened was wrong. All I wanted to do was leave. I saw one of my friends after I found my way back to the party, and my offender immediately denied any wrongdoings. He kept saying, “I didn’t rape her; I didn’t rape her.” I didn’t stay to hear anymore, so I ran to the front of the property to call my roommate to come pick me up. The minute I heard her voice I started sobbing and panicking. I don’t think I stopped crying until I fell asleep.
Q: What made you want to report your assault?
A: After telling my very close friends and my mother, I called the campus police. Everyone I told encouraged me to hold my offender accountable. I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, no matter how painful it was. I wasn’t just reporting it for me, I was reporting it for all women on my campus. I wanted to prevent this guy from hurting anyone else.
Q: What was your experience with reporting your assault?
A: I’m not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I was forced to relive every detail of that night over and over again several times, which was hard. I was perceived as a slut, a party girl and a liar. I had to learn to let those things go and focus on the truth and holding my offender accountable.
Q: Do you regret reporting it?
A: Absolutely not. I wish more survivors would, but I understand why they don’t. I am such a stronger person because of all of this, not just my assault but reporting it as well.
Q: How did the assault shape you?
A: I’m definitely a stronger person. I’ve learned not to trust everyone, even some people I know. I’m not nearly as naïve anymore, I can recognize red flags better and know when to put my foot down if someone keeps bothering me. However, I feel like I’m missing a part of myself. It’s like part of my identity was ripped from me and stolen forever. I don’t go to big parties anymore, I don’t go out to bars, I feel awkward dancing and letting loose. I’m stiffer and always on the lookout for danger when I’m out. I’m paranoid, I can admit that. I don’t think that’s the worst thing, though. I just miss the fun me. I had to grow up really fast in a really short time span.
Q: How did the case shape you?
A: My case was probably what shaped me the most. I faced investigators, lawyers, university officials, my parents and my offender. I had to be strong and not give up on my case, which was extremely difficult. I think I cried myself to sleep every night this summer because I was living alone and dealing with this. No one really understood it except my mother, who was back home. It was awful. Like I said, though, I don’t regret it. I know in my heart that I did the right thing.
Q: What was the outcome of your case?
A: At first, I won. Twice. My offender was suspended for one semester and his first appeal was denied. He was faced with sexual misconduct, sexual assault and sexual harassment charges. He was charged with sexual misconduct, but that was enough for me. Unfortunately, he appealed a second time and the Vice President of my school accepted it. I found out a week before the second semester started, and it put me in a terrible panic. I felt like I was just starting to heal from this and get closure. When I appealed, I had to go to the Board of Regents, who denied my appeal. I ran into my offender on campus my first day back. It still makes me sick.
Q: What do you want the public to know about sexual violence?
A: This is nothing to be taken lightly, my entire life has changed because of my assault. Everyone needs to know that the fault should never fall onto the victim. It’s not like I walked up to my offender and said, "Hey I’m drunk and easy to take advantage of right now, here’s your chance." That’s insane. I said "no," I never gave consent and somehow people still think I was asking for it. No one deserves to go through this. No one.
Q: Do you have any advice for other survivors and victims?
A: Do not let your offender silence you. Dig deep, find what little inner strength you have left and report what has happened. Offenders get away and continue to attack people if they aren’t held accountable. I know that it is terribly difficult to face and fight, but it is so worth it.
