I just want to relax. I just want a moment when I don’t feel like there’s something wrong.
Just a moment when I don’t feel so exhausted.
I’m so tired.
Tired of the way that my head throbs when I try to relax.
Tired of the thoughts that seep into my cranium, penetrating my every rare moment of silence.
The thoughts knock.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
They unwelcomingly burst in and disturb my happiness.
It’s almost as though they want me to be negative, sad, to destroy everything that’s good for me.
The thoughts I have…
The thoughts of life. Wondering what I did wrong in the smallest of situations.
“Why did I think that?”
“Why did I Say that?”
“What are they thinking of me right now?”
“I know they said we were cool but are we really?”
“What if they change their mind?”
“What if they didn’t want to hurt my feelings?”
“What if they never speak to me again?”
My heart rate escalates and all of a sudden I can hear it beating in my ears, it’s consumed my head. Making me unable to think.
The emotion takes over.
“I have to go solve the problem. I have to go now.”
But I can’t go anywhere, because it’s 1:30 in the morning and I know I’ll look insane calling you up or driving to you to fix a problem that I created in my head.
So I lie there in silence.
…
...
…
Then the silence creeps in to replace the thoughts.
Who knew that silence could be so damn loud.
Play music. That’ll ease my mind.
Except for I can’t even listen to one song all the way through because my mind won’t focus.
The lyrics become meaningless. Every song sounds the same. They all mesh together.
I try so hard to take deep breaths. I try so hard.
In through your nose.
Out through your mouth.
Just like mom says.
My heart is pulsating so quickly, I can feel it in my whole chest.
I'm convinced it'll be too much for me to handle.
I find it hard to breathe.
Tears are welling in my eyes.
It’s hot all of a sudden I can feel my cheeks going red.
My mind is becoming light, I’m floating, for a moment.
But it’s not good.
I’m uncontrollably floating into the unknown realm of my own mental prison.
It’s choking me.
It’s pinning me to the bed that is providing no comfort to begin with
And the power of that little monster inside me is taking over me. It’s winning.
Such a small word. Such a huge impact.
My mind is engulfed in my flaws, my fears, my worst nightmares.
I am swallowed in the problems that I made up. The problems that at aren’t there. They steal my every moment. They rob me of enjoying my life.
All of a sudden, it stops.
And I’m so…tired.
I’m worn out from all that stress. Time to relax.
Maybe the sleep isn’t that good but it’s something, right?
I say that tomorrow will be better, when really….
