Dear Myself,

Hi Jelly. How are you? Good, no? No, you are not. Lately you have been real sad and really messed up. And me, well yourself, is going to confront you about it. So, do not even try to run out of it. It is bound to happen, so you better sit down and listen. I mean it. You need this.

You are not what they want you to be. They want you to be perfect. They wanted you to be a lawyer. To feel nothing when openly hurting someone for them. They wanted that. Your parents. Your “friends." You broke out of it. You had to do what was done. They were toxic people those “friends” of yours. You were falling apart and you know it. You knew something was wrong when they called you a liar but you pulled out those receipts. You knew you had to get out of it when he was openly being transphobic to you and your pals. You cannot escape your parents completely. They may disapprove your lifestyle. It is not your fault and I am sorry they cannot understand us/you.

You are sad Jelly. You have been sad for a long long time. But you constantly tell yourself you are bad and selfish. Shut your mouth! Your feelings are validated. You are lost and scared. I know you are, because I am you. Just remember, you are kind and sweet and people love you. Yes. People actually love you. You love a lot of people too. And that is what hurts you, because you feel real love for those around you, and you feel real sorrow when they are hurt. That is what hurts you. The people you escaped from. You loved them. And when they hurt you, it broke your heart and you feel like you were the bad guy. When you were not. In fact, they manipulated you and made you think that way. They made you think that you were selfish, cruel, dishonest, and worst of all, heartless. But you. You love everyone and everything. You literally help anyone that needs it. You listen to everyone and constantly put reminders around that they are worth it. You help people in their worst times and celebrate their best. So how can you be so cruel Jelly?

The nightmares; I know you still have them. It was not your fault. Things just fell as they did. You tried to stop it you really did. They would not listen to you. And you had to do what was done. And I am sorry, I could not hide the artifacts from that time period that breaks your heart. And I know deep down you will never forgive yourself. They lied to you. They lied about forgiving you. You heard it yourself. That is not your fault. I am sorry you had to sit in that bathroom screaming and crying how you never meant to hurt anyone; how you had cried yourself to sleep many times. I am sorry you had to hide a lot. I am sorry you sometimes cannot function due to this. I am sorry. I am sorry the nightmares will not stop. I know you joke about them to your pals, but they are hurting you. The nightmares are a constant reminder for what was done. And I know you never want to relive it. And I know you are probably reading this right now and the tears are flooding down your face. You are hurting. And it is going to take a long time to heal. And I know you want to look at yourself in the mirror and scream at yourself.

But don’t. DO NOT yell at yourself in that mirror. Write about your feelings in your journal. Or call up your closest friends and actually tell them what is wrong. And forget about your friends who talk over you and tell you you are wrong for ending several toxic friendships. You are amazing Jelly. You love everyone, and that is what scares and inspires people. You feel real love and you do what you can to protect your loved ones. Even if it meant hurting yourself. Those people that mistreated you, cannot get you anymore. You are safe. I know you are still fighting for peace. That is okay. We both are. Just focus on the now. I know you hate what you have done. But you are wonderful now. It is hard to pick up the always breaking pieces. I know it is. I know it hurts more and more each time. But just know, deep down, nothing will ever be the same and you are going to be fine one day, and one day, you will have peace.

I love you.

Jelly