When my Spring semester of college ended at the beginning of May, I had no idea how much pain this Summer would bring me. I had no idea that life would make me feel like my heart was torn from my chest, that the world would feel like it was crashing and shattering into my eyes, that I would feel suffocated just by getting out of bed in the morning.
I had no idea... how much pain I would feel. How empty I would feel. How alone, unseen, unheard, replaceable, unlovable, unwanted, insignificant, and hopeless I would feel.
I had no idea.
Yet, something kept me here. Something kept me enduring. Something caused me to hold on.
That something was hope.
Hope - the feeling that even though everything seems so painful, that it won't stay that way forever. Hope - the understanding that everything is changing, and that healing is possible.
I had no idea how much pain I would feel this Summer. And... I had no idea how much healing I would experience this Summer.
I traveled to Denver, and spent a month with myself, exploring myself and my pain, while also meeting so many beautiful souls that have shown me what beginnings mean. I took a break from my day to day life and spent it in a whole, new, beautiful place.
In Denver, I found a home. This home wasn't in people. It wasn't in the place I was in. It was in myself.
When I allowed myself to take a breath and space from a place that I had felt so much pain in (Arizona), when I allowed myself to stop taking care of so many people and state taking care of me, and when I allowed myself to take the time I needed to heal, I healed. And... it happened naturally. I didn't force it. It just unfolded naturally in front of my quivering eyes. When I finally gave myself space to breathe, I gave myself the space to heal.
And here... is how I have healed. Here... is what I have learned from this pain. And here... is my heart.
I am whole.
I never needed a boy to feel more alive. I never needed a boy to want to be here. I never needed a boy to love me in order to feel worthy of love.
I never, ever needed validation.
I never needed validation from my ex, from my friends, from my ex-friends, from strangers, from anyone, even from you. I didn't need someone to tell me that I am worthy and powerful in order for me to believe this unshakeable truth.
My presence is healing humanity.
Which is a powerful reason to stay here. Just by breathing, I am healing humanity.
My happiness is a priority.
Which is why I am no longer going to invest in things that drain me of my happiness, even if it made others happy. I have been sad for so long, and now, I owe it to myself to be happy. Even though I tend to be around people who are sad, that doesn't mean I also need to be sad. Emotional boundaries are important, and it is okay for me to be happy while also being there for others.
I do not need to empty myself to help others.
This world is full of people who are in pain. But, that doesn't mean I have to constantly keep sacrificing my life force to help fill others up when I feel empty. It is okay for me to also take care of myself. It is okay for me to prioritize my own well-being before I support others.
My intuition is powerful.
This Summer, my intuition told me many things. It told me to go to Denver, so I did. And that experience changed my life. My intuition also told me to let certain people in my life go, yet I ignored it, and those people ended up causing me pain - pain that I wouldn't have experienced if I had just let them go. Now, I will let my intuition guide me. Undeniably.
Life consists of endings, and beginnings.
Welcome to life, love. The pain you may be experiencing will end one day. Trust in the cycle of endings and beginnings.
Peace begins with forgiveness.
It may initially hurt to forgive, but trust me, it hurts even more to hold a grudge. Forgiveness lightens the burden of pain from your shoulders. Grudges only make the burden heavier.
People have a powerful influence on your life.
When it comes to people in your life, choose wisely. Don’t be afraid to say good bye to anyone who isn’t helping you embrace happiness. You don’t owe anyone anything. You owe yourself peace.
People hold no power to speak MY truth.
For the length of this Summer, I was surrounded by people who were telling me who I was, what I was supposed to do, and who I was supposed to be. Several people crossed the line and started telling me things like “You aren’t owning your power by doing this” or “You literally hate yourself for doing this” when the reality was different. My truth was that every action I was doing was out of love for myself, and just by continuing to get out of bed in the morning, even though it hurt, I was owning my power. So many people were convinced that their perception of me was the truth, but only I can truly know what my truths are.
It is not my job to save ANYONE.
I believed it was my job to save people I loved who were in pain. But then, as my breaking heart witness several people I love sink into deep pain, all of a sudden the truth dawned to me. It is not my job to save people. A person can only save themselves. All I can do is give love and support, but it isn’t my job to do someone’s healing for them. Healing is an inside job each person has to do for themselves.
I realized a reason why I was in so much pain this Summer was because I wasn’t just carrying my pain - I was carrying multiple people’s pain. Now I am learning the power of boundaries. I can support someone and not carry their pain at the same time.
Love is not abuse.
This is one of the most powerful lessons that took me a while to understand. My therapist helped me realize that I was dealing with some emotionally and verbally abusive friends in my life, yet I was holding on to them, in the name of “love.” But, love should never be an excuse for someone to undergo mistreatment. It should never, ever be an excuse. Love isn’t meant to be painful. And I have learned to never stay in any relationship that is abusive. I will never tolerate abuse again.
I have learned many more lessons this Summer that I may write in another article.
But, here are the ones I was drawn to share with you right now. I am still healing. I am still processing certain experiences I went through. And that is okay.
This Summer brought me so much pain, but also so much healing. And I will never be the same again.
