As many friends as I have, I'm not good at starting conversations with people. I'm not good at approaching people, even those who are my closest friends. I promise this isn't your fault. My head just tells me that I'm going to bother you.

For most of my life, I have been seen as the shy girl. The one who only talks to her friends. The one who never raises her hand in class. The one that people sometimes forget about. That's who I saw myself as, too. Sometimes, I still see myself that way.

As I got older and people were less kind, I was not only the shy girl but to many, I was stuck up. I was intimidating. People approached me less because I never approached anyone else. They assumed I didn't want to be spoken to. Which is exactly what I assumed of them.

But why was I this way? Why do I create this persona that makes people think I'm stuck up? It's a hard concept to understand if you've never experienced it. When I try to tell people, they usually tell me that it's weird. Why would I think that people don't want to talk to me? And why would I care? Well really, I don't know. All I do know is that my head tells me that I am unwanted.

It's like I'm alone. Even in a room full of people. Even in a room full of friends, I am the one person that is not worth talking to. I don't have much to offer to the conversation. Maybe some nods or a slight smile. My head tells me that as I pass a friend on the street that even something as simple as "hi" would be bothersome. Solely because it's coming from me.

Even though it's easier to interact online, I still have trouble there. I figure if you haven't messaged me, you must be busy. If you left me on read, you don't like me. I know that's crazy. I know it's a two-way street. But it doesn't matter what I know right now as I am thinking logically about it. At the moment, I don't want to bother you. I don't want to be annoying. I don't want you to hate me.

I send messages in my head and play out how they will end. Sometimes, I will take the chance. Usually, though, the fear of upsetting or annoying someone overcomes me, and I never even type the message out.

My head tells me I am the forgotten girl. The one people only stay with because they feel bad for her. The girl that is seen as snooty; she doesn't care to meet anyone that she doesn't already know. She likes what she likes, and nothing will change that.

But the person my head tells me I am is not at all who I really am.

I am not forgotten. People see me. People care. I am shown that every day. People aren't friends with me because they feel bad for me; they genuinely want to be around me. I want to meet new people. I love people, and I love what they have to offer the world. And I am not stuck in my ways. I am young, and there is so much I don't know about the world. I am easily formed and changed because I am still just learning how everything works.

Still, when there's that moment of, "Should I say hi?" everything I "know" falls to the wayside. I only know what my head tells me.

I am bad at making and keeping friends because I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong that I never even take the chance. For some reason, I can't find it in me to text someone or just say a simple hi because I'm terrified. I've lost many friends because of this, and I will probably lose more. But the first step to me changing this is saying it out loud. It makes it real for me. Now that I am sharing why I am the way I am, I know that people will try to understand.

All I really need is to know that people are trying to understand.

Because what my head tells me is not the truth.

But what my heart tells me, is.