At moments that I find myself needing it the most, there is a gut-wrenching reality that always punches me in the face to humbly remind me that you are not guaranteed anything in this universe, nor do you owe the universe -let alone, anyone- anything.
I say "sorry" far too often then I should when it is not necessary. I always try to see everyone when I come back to my hometown for the holidays (knowing very well that I do not have the time and mental capacity to see everyone). I have a hard time saying "no" to the people I care about, even though I may have too much on my own plate. I take on my days trying to put as many good intentions as I can into everything I do, but somewhere along the lines, I begin to compromise myself for the sake of others.
You are not a bad person for putting yourself first -nobody is going to love and support you more than you. The irrational guilty conscious of disappointing someone for the sake of your own well-being is never worth it. Self-love is a constant battle with yourself, and the journey to this self-defining moment is different for everyone. Everyone yearns to be the best version of themselves, but old habits die hard. Sometimes it is hard to not overthink and over analyze the situations we find ourselves in, but it is always important to remember to put ourselves first.
The fact of the matter at hand is if you sacrifice your happiness for whatever it may be, does it stop there with the one instance or will you find yourself giving more of your happiness up? When is "enough" ever really enough? The social normality of compromising in relationships, whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, can become dangerous territory. We have the tendency to believe that because this relationship may mean so much to us it constitutes an exception, but despite all odds, you can come to a mutual agreement without sacrificing your own happiness.
You are not selfish for expressing what you want and do not want. It took a really long time for me to come to terms with the fact that sacrificing my happiness, no matter how small it may have been, does not equate to a better outcome in the end. Sure, I would be lying if I did not say that some things in life do require a little sacrifice, but your happiness should never be one of them.
