An Open Letter to My First Love:
I didn’t know that you would be the one that every single person has to compare themselves to when they look at me and see you reflected back. I kept a key under the welcome mat back then, but it was pointless because I left my heart unlocked anyway with no fear of being ruined. Back in those days, I hadn’t built walls higher than the Empire State Building to close off anyone seeking destruction. I had yet to worry about safety and barely knew a thing about loyalty. If we’re being honest, my younger-self was open all to you.
When we met, I saw my whole world unfold. It really was like love at first sight and I, the logical one that I was, hate to admit that you were right. When we spoke for the first time, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and the butterflies kept fluttering, fluttering and falling. I felt like I was falling. However, you were sure to catch me.
I’ll never forget the first time you told me you loved me. We were so young and naive, but I knew that the words you spoke to me were full of life and wonder and the love that I had waited on for so long. So, for the first time in my life, I didn’t overthink my own intentions and spoke back: “I love you, too.”
I felt myself opening before I could stop. You promised me forever, but what first love doesn’t? The promise held so much weight. You promised so many things. Then again, so did I. I promised myself and I promised you, but more importantly, I promised us that I wouldn’t let it die. It hardly seems fair to blame either of us for the ultimate destruction of the innocence to love.
For we were nearly rotten from the start when you really think about it. The odds were always stacked against us since first lovers rarely last. Despite that, though, I do believe in the underdog. I always believe love triumphs all. You see, I may have been the logical one, but I also am a hopeless romantic deep down and I know things could have gone differently.
I’m sorry for everything I did to contribute to our end. I hope that you someday will forgive me because as I write this, I forgive you. I forgive you for every night that I cried without you. I forgive you for the feeling of my heart falling from my chest as you told me goodbye for the last time. I forgive you. I also forgive myself. I forgive myself for letting you go. I forgive myself for all the hours I spent obsessing over the space in my heart you used to fill. And I forgive myself for not being good enough because that’s the reality, isn’t it?
In no way do I mean to be self-deprecating, but sometimes you find truth within deprecation. I wasn’t good enough then. I wasn’t ready for the love you offered me. I wasn’t ready for commitment. I may have been open to love, of course, but that doesn’t mean I was ready for it. The door to my heart (as cliche as it is) truly was yours to enter and explore. However, you can not confuse openness with preparation.
You prepare for a hurricane by boarding up your windows and bunkering down with supplies. And I just want you to know that your love is more powerful than any hurricane would dream to be. So, when I said I was open for your love, I meant that I was open to let you fill me and drown me. I was open, but I was not built yet to withstand your force.
I guess what I’m really saying is that I love you still. I believe it is impossible to stop loving once you start. I love you, but I accept that we weren’t meant for each other even if it felt like it was the way my world was meant to unfold. One day, maybe, we’ll find our way back together in some way… friends, lovers, or more. But for today, I want to say: Thank you for our time. Thank you for loving me when no one else could.
Yours,
The Girl Who Was Washed Away In A Storm Drain
