I’m scared of confrontation. It’s one of my worst fears. It’s starting to control my life. I’m scared to speak sometimes. I’m scared that I’ll say something that will insult someone. So most of the time I stay quiet.
I just want to scream all of the time. I want to grab people by the shoulders and scream in their face what I think about them. I want to tell them they are being stupid. I want to tell them that they are just not listening. But I’m just too scared. I see that my silence isn’t helping anyone. It definitely is not helping me. It’s just makes me seem more passive and that I don’t care.
The problem is that sometimes I do care and I just don’t know how to say anything. People could walk right over me and I would let them because I would be too scared to say anything that would insult them. I just normally keep the things that bother me to myself and hope that eventually the person that I’m mad at will say something. I come off as very fiery and being able to speak my mind but most of the time I’m scared to even speak up. The anger inside of me builds and days I feel like a volcano that’s ready to explode.
Some days I will yell at my shoe or my computer because I’m too scared to talk to the person I’m mad at. I’m scared that my anger will cause me to say something that will bite me in the behind later. I’m scared to confront people because I’m scared of what they’ll say about me. I’m scared they will say that what I already know. My constant fear of confronting people also makes it hard for me to be true to myself.
I act different depending on who am I with. I don’t even know what I am actually like. I can’t turn off my constant changing personality. I must be a people pleaser because if I hate someone when I see them I genuinely act nice. It’s not this light switch I can turn on and off it’s not even something I can put in words. I am never myself because I’m too scared to be. I’m scared I will show myself and no one will accept me.
I let my fear control me. I wish I could say something positive about how when you confront people it feels amazing. But I can’t say that. I can’t even say that this will make me want to conquer my fears. Because it won’t. I will suffer in silence and I will continue to scream at my shoes and computer. I will continue to be a people pleaser and never speak up. I give my voice away every time I’m quiet.
I hate myself for it but there’s nothing I can do. If you are reading this learn from me. Silence is not the answer and it never is. Always speak up and say how you feel. It will make the world seem better and not that everyone hates you. Confront people and never be scared. Learn from my mistakes. Be bold, be brave, be you.
