Last week, while doing my usual cool-guy stuff, in this case, enjoying a midnight snack while watching a re-run of "Project Runway" in my jammies, I realized something. I'm not the sharpest dresser in the drawer, and my fashion sense is non-existent. Some of those dresses the contestants were making looked pretty fly to me, but then Tim Gunn inspected one and raised his eyebrows, put his hand to his chin in deep analysis, and hollowly told the designer to make it work, as if he knew there was no hope for the designer that week. I hung my head in shame for not knowing how ugly that gorgeous garment turned out to be. I lifted the humongous bowl of cottage cheese I was eating from my lap and sulked over to the bathroom mirror to critique my outfit. It was just as I had feared; I looked amazing. Looking over my peanut butter stained pajama bottoms, I immediately knew I was a hopeless case. If I think everything looks great on me, how will I ever improve my fashion-sense or be able to differentiate between what is and is not fierce? In this weeks article, I analyze my wardrobe and try to make it work.

I'm not one for flashy or even appealing clothing. Let's start at the base of the bland canvas that is my typical attire: The socks. My socks are like Conan O'Brien, very white and very tall. I'm not sure why I wear tall socks because I usually give them a gentle but noticeable bunch. I could buy medium socks or even those cute little ankle socks that confident people wear, but this way, if it gets chilly, I have the option to pull up my socks to defend my shins from windy nippings, assuming I'm wearing shorts of course. This is shaping up to be quite an exciting article.

Moving on to the shoes. I've been waddling around in a pair of Vans for the entire presidential term of Barack Obama. However, due to a busy schedule I recently switched to a reliable pair of Asics to accommodate for all the walking and actual cardio I was doing, which leads me to what I'm told is a fashion sin: Jeans with tennis shoes. This could probably work if I had pretty boy jeans, but all of my jeans are just stale. Ever seen Seinfeld?

Yeah, its kind of like that, except instead of a dress shirt or jacket I wear blank T-shirts, usually modest tones like brown, green, grey is great, some shirts with a pocket, go ahead and judge. At least I can always feel if I have any spare change without having to dig around in those constricting jeans. Reaching my fingers in those tight pockets while I'm seated scraps my cuticles. If I'm not in jeans I'm probably wearing cargo shorts. Not sure why anyone would want that many pockets, but they're there if I need them.

As you can probably infer, Frostburg is significantly colder than other parts of Maryland, so I'm almost always in a hoodie while I'm in the Burg. I like hoodies because I can store stuff in the little pouch, in case, somehow, all of the pockets I've mentioned are already full. I own two hoodies and they are both different shades of grey. Grey is probably my favorite color because it is neutral, agreeable and it doesn't ask for much. Speaking of shades of grey, I almost forgot to discuss the clothes surrounding my loins. Briefs on gym days, boxers on rest days, nothing on birthdays.

That's my typical wardrobe. Every now and then I'll throw some mesh shorts over some long underwear to take a break from jeans and to perturb my father, but most days I'm just a walking pocket.

There are some things I've considered implementing to spice up my look. For example, I've thought about getting into hats, but I'm just not a hat person. I don't like the way I look in most hats and it always feels extra. The same goes for accessories like wristbands or watches. Why do I need a watch? My phone has a clock on it, and, get this, its even got a calculator. Watches seem like expensive thief magnets. I probably don't like wristbands because I used to be a fat kid in middle school and I could never get any Livestrong bands that fit comfortably around my big ol' bone. And don't even get me started on piercings.

You know what? I'm starting to feel pretty content with what I wear. I don't really have a desire to set trends, and I don't need my clothes to speak for me. I don't need graphic tees anymore! As long as my clothes are clean, what's there to fret over?

I admire the innovative people who work in the fashion industry and who are constantly deciding whats hot and whats not, but I personally don't value my appearance enough to spend enough money on clothes to look great. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I think most clothes look fine, and I think I look great in everything, so I clearly will never understand fashion. One thing I do know is that the best look is the one I am comfortable with, and I think that everyone can benefit from following this rule for themselves. But if you want to rock that jacket made out of recycled coffee filters or whatever, do what makes you happy!

Well, I was about to talk about piercings because you forgot to get me started on it, ya big dope, but I need to go buy some cottage cheese to prepare for my ritualistic midnight snack while I sit on my duff watching re-runs of "Project Runway." I call it, "Dairy on my Derrière," and its as disgusting as it sounds. Auf Wiedersehen!