My family isn't whole.

A whole complete family that was a big picture is now a puzzle of broken pieces scattered all over the floor. All the pieces are still there, but they don't connect and aren't together.

I decided to do a little bit of my own research on divorce and separation, not only on kids; but on their parents as well. I have spoken with 14 kids and 3 mothers to conduct this article.

How old were you when your parents separated?

Courtney: 7

Blair: 10, my sister Bridget was 6 and my mom was still pregnant with my sister Brooke.

Savannah: 13

Hannah: less than one year old

Cheyanne: 2

Sarah: 12

Delana: 8, my little brother Dawson was 18 months old.

Chelsi: they honestly never really had a healthy relationship.

Joseph: almost 4.

Kristina: 7

Liz: 8

Anna: 17

Maggie: 5

Catherine: 14

How did the separation/divorce effect you? What was the situation like?

Hannah: I grew up with my dad and I saw my mom every other weekend as she was unable to take care of me when I was young. I moved in with my mom when I was fourteen and I was so happy. My parents have always been extremely civil and great friends so it's never been a toxic environment for me and I'm very thankful for that.

Cheyanne: They separated before I was two, they already had started custody battles and got divorced when I was two. The custody battles went on for years and they were so draining. My father abused me as a child so I was unable to have a relationship with him. I couldn't understand why they argued so much, I acted out as a child. I always had a lawyer and had to speak with many people the court appointed me to like therapists and social workers. None of it helped. I was bounced back and fourth from home to home, and I didn't know who to believe. I never felt like it was about me, it was always about them. My dad chose his new wife over me, and the abuse continued. When your parents talk badly about the other one infront of the child it hurts the child more than the parents. I haven't spoken to my dad since the last time we were in court. I have serious anxiety and trust issues because of it. Both of my parents were so worried about each other and about being spiteful they forgot about what was best for me, my father kept me from my mother for an entire year. My dad liked to be in control and would only allow my mom to see me at supervised visits. He wouldn't even let me talk to her on the phone unless the speaker was on. I spent pretty much my entire childhood in a court room. Even though my dad fought for me in court, I don't believe it's because he wanted me. I think it was out of hatred and spite toward my mother.

Delana: We found out my dad was having an affair with the babysitter. He had a child with her and hasn't spoken to me since. My brother lives with them and considers them to be his family, but not me or our mom. It made me feel unwanted, like no one would ever want me because my father didn't. I push people away now. I hate what he did, he destroyed my family. I can't trust anyone, I always think they're going to leave just like my dad did.

Chelsi: My parents weren't together when I was born. Both of them were on drugs and my mom ended up in jail, so my grandparents became my legal guardians as a baby; I didn't know I was adopted until I heard my siblings calling a lady I knew as our aunt "mom." It was a lot to comprehend at that age that my mom gave me up for adoption so I could have a better life. I met my dad my sophomore year of college which was an emotional roller coaster ride. My mom always blamed my father for a lot, but my dad didn't do that to her. My mom and I are civil, but I have built walls. My dad and I get along great, but we are distant. Their relationship was toxic from the start and it made my life extremely difficult, I was the kid who got bullied because my parents didn't want me. I was raised in a loving home but I couldn't understand why my birth parents threw me away like garbage, I was a baby. It effects how I do everything now that I am a mother, it drives me to make sure my son is always loved and protected.

Maggie: My father moved into an apartment with his new girlfriend and I watched my mother struggle to make ends meet. From then on, I was the child of two separate parents and not two loving ones. It was hard watching my mom struggle and it was even harder watching my dad love another woman. However, they both always made sure I was loved and cared for. I was loved, but they just no longer loved each other which was very hard to accept.

Joseph: They're both remarried now with other kids, but as a child the divorce just made me very angry in a "why couldn't they just work it out?" Kind of way.

Liz: One minute we were a family and the next minute we weren't. I remember them not getting along, mom would go out and dad didn't want to watch me so a babysitter always did. I always felt like I needed to protect my mother from my father. My mom thinks the reason I dated so many guys in high school was because I didn't have a man in my life and that I felt like I needed one to be whole. During my junior year my mom told me everything about my father, how he was addicted to prescription pills and struggled with manic bipolar disorder. It triggered memories, I remember little boxes of pills that at the time I thought were candy. He quit his amazing job and moved somewhere he could go doctor shopping to get more pills. He's homeless now and tried to be involved in my life, but I don't allow it. I've come to terms with their divorce and I no longer blame my mother for filing for divorce. I'm not angry or upset anymore, it has made me stronger. Me and my mom have a bond that will never be broken.

Kristina: It was bad. They were always fighting. Mom moved out with her boyfriend and I stayed with my grandparents because my father worked so much. My mom moved to North Carolina and I will never forgive her for missing Chorus Concerts, Cheerleading, or Prom Dress Shopping. She missed my growing up.

Sarah: I wasn't aware of the situation at the time that we moved to Texas, I found out on the way there. My parents kept me in the dark about why they were divorcing and me and my mothers relationship became very resentful on both sides. I hated her for leaving my dad, and she hated that I was the only thing keeping him in her life. I became very depressed, I only wore black; I wanted to quit swimming; I didn't care about my Catholic Faith anymore. Things got better when my dad moved to Texas to be closer to me, but my relationship with my mom was horrible until I attempted suicide. After that, me and my mother went to therapy and started to mend our relationship and now we tell each other EVERYTHING. If there's any advice I can give to parents who separate; it's to put the kids first. You need to avoid the issues in your relationship around your kids and put on a brave face until they are old enough to understand the split. When kids are young and vulnerable they feel a lot, a lot of anger, resentment, sadness, and stress. Compromise, agree and decide with your parenting choices; do not argue. You can emotionally damage your children because you refuse to be civil.

Savannah: There was a lot of anger and toxicity so it was good that it ended. But part of me will always look back at the happy photos and be resentful that I no longer have a normal and complete family.

Courtney: My dad left and I didn't understand why Mommy and Daddy were always arguing. I was a huge daddies girl so it broke me to pieces, I would cry at night to my mom begging for my father. I blamed her for why he left. I had been going to his house on weekends but when he got a new girlfriend he didn't see me for over a year. He didn't return any of my calls. My moms new boyfriend was annoying, he tried to portray a fatherly role. In middle school my parents spent several years on again off again trying to work things out, but they never could. At that point I understood, daddy was on drugs. It broke me to pieces and I couldn't understand why. Was it because of me?

Blair: When I was first born my mom cheated on my dad, while mom was pregnant with Brooke my dad cheated on her. The divorce was a physical and violent one, last time we were all together they both got arrested. It made me grow up quick because I realized I had to be strong for Bridget. I've had people tell me I used to be happier and nicer when they were together. But I was the oldest, I knew I had to keep myself together for my sisters.

Catherine: I never realized how unhappy my parents were. One day when me and my mom were arguing she told me that my father was actually my step father and then it made sense as to why me and my brother looked nothing alike. My mom would try to keep me from my father, I had no access to the Internet and no phone because she took it. I was pretty much alone in my room, and my dad had no legal rights to me since his name wasn't on my birth certificate. My mother attempted suicide and I had to get my own lawyer to get me out of the toxic environment. I wanted to run from everything, like I did from her. I have social problems, my boyfriend has to coax me into all social situations. I never wanted to drink alcohol because that was part of what was involved in my mom's suicide attempt. I have excruciating separation anxiety if my boyfriend is gone longer than he's supposed to be.

How did the separation change your view of love? What is your idea of a healthy marriage and relationship? How did that differ or relate to that of your parents?

Savannah: I don't really view it as an endless feeling, it's more just logic now. A healthy relationship is one where people make conscious decisions. Healthy relationships are where both partners are equal, no one talks down to, belittles, or emotional abuses the other one; it's compromise.

Cheyanne: I never actually got to see my parents in a relationship, the only relationships I saw growing up were my mom and her ex husband along with a slew of boyfriends. She dated very controlling and abusive men which in tune made me go for the same type of guys either consciously or subconsciously. I would tell her the relationships were bad, she never believed me even after one of her boyfriends was a drunk and I got placed with my father. My view of love is that it doesn't exist, it's just a dependency to have another person close by. Being alone scares me, it does. I believe relationships should be 50/50 with no gender roles. Even though I believe that is what a healthy relationship is, I still find myself dating more dominant men because that's what I saw as a child. My dad never really wanted me so I started to wonder if any man ever would. Relationships need trust and respect to work; my father gave my mother neither as he would go out and cheat on her while she stayed home taking care of me.

Chelsi: I had my grandparents to look to for a healthy relationship. It's hard now that my grandma has passed away, her and my grandpa were inseparable and they had a truly amazing love that I was fortunate to get to see through all of life's difficulties.

Maggie: Well I was 5, I thought love was supposed to last forever. I thought love was between two people and not a single thing could tear that love apart, I never thought they would break the vows they made to each other. I feel for my boyfriend what my mom felt for my father during the early stages of their marriage, I get butterflies; I love seeing him smile and laugh. I can count on him day in and day out. I'm not sure what I would have seen had I been born sooner, but the relationship I saw my parents have was full of hatred, it was not love. I'm scared every damn day that I could wake up and it will happen to me.

Joseph: Well I looked to my. Grandparents for that. My view of love is finding someone to put in both an equal and separate amount of work in the relationship. Everyone has hard days, love is loving them through those hard days and them loving you through yours. They also stand proudly next to you on your best days. My parents saw it best to separate and start over with someone new, I cannot understand why but to an extent I understand. I know how badly it hurts to be heartbroken.

Liz: It hurt me to know they were no longer in love. I thought I would never find a good guy, that all men out there are like my dad. Honesty and trust is very important, my dad was never honest with my mom. She never knew if he would be there when she needed him. Love is watching someone grow, and growing alongside each other. Letting someone be exactly who they are in a marriage is so pure, love is never one sided.

Delana: I went through a lot in high school. I hated love and happiness and it made me miss the family I should have had. I didn't trust anyone at all. I finally am with someone with whom I trust and can be myself with. A healthy marriage doesn't argue in front of children, it damages them. Love them no matter what they have going on. Your eyes should only be fixated on your spouse, no one else is even worth a glare.

Anna: You have to constantly communicate with your partner and talk about your issues. Love will not last if you don't build it to last. I think a healthy marriage is when both partners are putting in the same amount of effort. You need conflict resolution skills. Most splits happen because couples cannot communicate their issues. My dad gave more effort into the marriage then my mom ever did.

Sarah: You have to choose love. You can't be married to someone for decades and just naturally love them the whole time, there will be days where you don't want to love them. You have to choose to love them through those difficult days. Love is a choice, and so is divorce. You need love and honesty, and you have to be best friends. My mom always put my father first but he never did the same for her, after 20 years she had enough.

Hannah: Love comes from deep within. Money and Children can't make you love someone. A healthy and genuine relationship requires communication and trust. You need to communicate through well thought out words, not shouting. I don't remember my parents when they were in love but they did the right thing. Divorce is better than constantly screaming at each other in front of the children.

Kristina: I always tell my fiancé we need to fight through hard times and stay together. I don't want my kids to shuffle back and forth between houses. They don't need to have two Christmases and two birthdays. My parents gave up way to quickly and I wish they tried harder. I loved so fully and it would always hurt me when things didn't work out. I wanted to belong to someone.

Courtney: Fairytales don't exist. Every couple has the ability to be happy but that by no means implies they are perfect. You see old couples, and you wonder how they do it. Communication. Marriage is about loyalty, communication and respect especially when kids are involved. To tear a family apart sucks. But a broken family is better than an unhappy family.

What I have seen in people who have come from separated homes, are a few key points. Is there any scientific explanation for this? Probably. But here's what I have gathered.

1. Children and teenagers become very dependent when only one parent is involved, separation anxiety is huge.

2. A lot of teenagers try to fill the void with unhealthy relationships.

3. Kids feel like a middle man.

4. They wish their parents could have made it work and envy the traditional family that their friends have.

5. It doesn't show them how to have healthy relationships or work through their own issues with potential partners.

6. If the split was for the best, they want their parents to still parent the same way they would if they were together. Kids don't want to feel like their parents are constantly keeping score, they want to be loved and nurtured and raised by both parents even if it has to be done separately.

Do a lot of mental health issues stem from not having a traditional family? Are we so fixated on Mom and Dad being married before they have us and us all living happily ever after that we cannot picture our distorted families as normal? What if you had two moms? What if you were made from a sperm donor? What if your parents are separated? What if you were adopted? What if a parent died? These are all scenarios that commonly lead to issues in children and teens such as anxiety, depression, separation anxiety, and trust issues (going by what I have been told by those interviewed.)

Is it to say all kids that end up that way go through that?

No.

But let me tell you the pattern I have seen from those who do not show symptoms of extreme loss.

1. The parents do not argue in front of the children or tell the children later about the arguments.

2. They raise the child together even though they are separated.

3. Both parents have an even custody arrangement.

4. The divorce wasn't ugly and terms were agreed upon for raising them civilly.

5. The parents made an effort to include the child in understanding they are loved by both.

6. The parents do not belittle or insult the other parent.

While being a child of divorce and separation has its own issues, so does parenting a child when you are separated from their other parent.

How old were your children when you and their father separated:

Erica: It was a week before their first birthday.

Lindsay: Sophie was 7 and Madelyn was 2.

Melissa: My daughter was 3 and my son was 7 months old.

What effect did it have on your parenting?

Melissa: It had a huge impact on everything. How I talk and treat them, we became a lot closer. I learned to share them even though I never wanted to be without them. How to talk to them nicely about their father even when they begged to stay with me on his days. We are very open and we talk about why it's important to be with someone who both loves and respects you as a parent and as a partner. I miss them so much and try to value each moment when they're with me. I give extra hugs, and extra kisses, you appreciate it more when it's gone half the week.

Lindsay: I was stressed and would become very short with Sophie because she would test me saying she missed her father. I'm hard on her and I have to pull back sometimes, it is emotionally draining even now. I felt like I was both the good guy and the bad guy.

Erica: Honestly I was a horrible parent when we split up, I was depressed because my "forever family" was broken. I could hardly take care of myself let alone my twin boys.

How did you feel about bringing a new partner into the picture? How did the kids take it?

Erica: The first time, I didn't let the kids meet him. I was terrified.

Lindsay: It was scary. I didn't want them to get attached to him if it didn't work out. No displays of affection in front of them for a long time, they never knew if he stopped by or spent the night. I made it clear they were my first priority and I alone could manage all of their needs. My new partner helped and I never had to ask, he helped with rides to daycare and cheer competitions so I could be both mom and coach. He treats them as his own and I got really lucky. They handled it really well and both love him, but Madelyn will go outside and ask for her daddy and it's very hard to explain to her why he isn't here. Sophie is happier that we aren't together, she likes it better because we don't argue anymore, she remembers the issues. One day Jack asked her how she felt about it, and she, at 7, explained it to him in her own way the anger and hurt she felt. It was good for both of them.

Melissa: I was hesitant, I took my time with him before I brought him around the kids. I made it clear we were a package deal and he happily accepted that. The kids started calling him daddy a year into our relationship.

How does being separated from your kids father affect your feelings of having children with a new partner? What were your biggest stressors leading to the separation? Was your relationship healthy before kids?

Melissa has a new baby with her current partner.

Melissa: My only worry is that the older kids will get upset that the baby gets to be with mommy all the time and they don't. They haven't acted that way but they get really sad to leave the baby. What other people would think played a huge impact on me as well as not being with the kids all the time. I was really young when I got pregnant with my daughter, 14. Our relationship was normal until baby number two when his drug addiction came back.

Lindsay: If I was younger and my pregnancy wouldn't be considered high risk I would love to have another baby with my new husband. Jack's drinking was what ultimately made me tell him he had to go, it was the biggest stressor. He would lie, not answer my calls and stumble through the door at 3 in the morning; I never knew if he was going to come home alive. He was on the front page news about getting fired for drinking on the job; a good paying job at the board of education. When we were young I thought our relationship was healthy because even though he went out all the time, we were fresh out of college so it still seemed normal. When we got married and got adult jobs his stress came in which caused the drinking, and even more so when I was pregnant with Sophie; but it was the worst it ever was when I was pregnant with Madelyn. Jack was great when he was sober, but drunk Jack was selfish. He was not the man I fell in love with or married.

Erica: Our relationship was incredibly toxic and we argued all the time. Neither of us were happy, but the idea of the kids growing up without mommy and daddy urged us to stay together. Our separation was what was best for us as people. I am scared to have children with someone else and have the same thing happen again. Our relationship was easy before kids because we were young and dumb; but it was always toxic and we just couldn't see it.

Do you wish you could have made it work? Or are you happier being out of an unhealthy relationship? Was there any chance of saving the relationship on terms that weren't just for the kids?

Lindsay: I used to wish it could, but only for the girls which was the wrong reason to continue a marriage. The lack of trust I had made it impossible for either of us to be truly happy. Love is something you don't want to fake, the girls deserved to see true love. I am happy to be away from the anxiety, sleepless nights and lies. Jack lost my trust and love and even for the girls, I was done trying to make the marriage last. When you are happy your kids notice. I know Sophie would want us to be together but I did that battle with myself for too long. The girls have their mom back now. We laugh, we play, we have fun. I am me again.

Melissa: No. I am much happier now and I don't regret leaving. If I had tried to make it work I'm sure things would be different, I will always love him.

Erica: He was my first love, we had so many plans for our future and I wish that could have made it work. The only chance for our relationship to survive was moving on so we had time to grow as people and as parents.

The pattern I notice with mothers is they are happier to be away from unhealthy relationships.

Part of us will always wish it could have worked, losing the perfect family we imagined our whole lives we would have is hard to swallow.

Could couples make it work?

If it's not too late.

Should couples make it work?

Only if they both want to.

I whole heartedly believe that with couples therapy, communication and dedication that families can be mended and saved. But both partners need to want to make the changes to be the best possible partner they can.

Sometimes the toxicity is too much to handle, and it's okay to give up. If It's too hard, that's okay. You tried. If you didn't try, that's okay too. No one can force anyone to stay somewhere they are unhappy and if you do not care to fix it, then don't.

But what I have learned, is you have to get along. For the kids.

You can fake it, you can vent to your friends and cry in your room if you need too.

But they will always need mommy and daddy.

Mommy and Daddy both need to be at every parent teacher conference, every cheer competition or chorus concert. Mommy and Daddy need to both hug their babies, smile and make small talk. Mommy and Daddy need to show their children that regardless of their personal issues; they are insignificant when it comes to raising them together.

Couples who separate and refuse to get along while raising their children can have a damaging effect on both on the kids and the parents.

If your love isn't built to last, focus on building a child that will.

If there is an inch of hope in both of you that wants to try to make it work, build a family that will last.